Wants?

Sometimes I wonder whether I really know what I want? If I really do, do I even dare to get what I want? Or perhaps is that something I want really even good for me? (eg. is it helpful or beneficial for me?) How does it affect people around me by having what I want?

Sigh...

That's the thing about me... a thinker... I wasn't really like that you know? I used to live my life quite recklessly in the past. Perhaps that's why it has changed me to become like this... However, living this carefully, I kinda feel stuck 'n often confused. Often feel torn between who I used to be and the person I am now. It seemed better than being so careful and being afraid of taking risks. Then again, it's not always fun being reckless, neither does it makes you free more carefree nor happier. Recklessness has its consequences.

Why can't things be simple? Seriously!! Then again, why can't I make things simpler for me? Livin a complicated life sure is tiring. We gals probably love the drama more than we think we do. If not we wouldn't dramatise our life. Really!!!

I then began to wonder why can't I get what I want.. is it because I really want it? Or because I am darn scared of having it? What am I afraid of? hmmm let's see... that when I really really grow to like it, it'll be taken away from me, or maybe when I suddenly lose interest in it.

A friend mentioned this phrase briefly which I actually picked up, "everything can be taken away from you". Which is true... 'cuz we don't really own any of these things. We are only called to take care of them, to steward over them.

Tell me.. why do I feel odd when I choose to do something good or beneficial not just for myself but for others. Is it something to prove myself right or wrong about certain assumptions or certain risks I anticipate?

.... Lizzzzieeeeeee oh lizzzziiiieeeee....

"Take it easy" a friend once told me. Ok maybe a few times... but yeah.
That's what... I really need.