Reason to Live?

I had a long talk with my best friend today. I missed her so much! We talked for hours about life & things that matters to us. Can't believe we are already 'young ladies'. I love seeing all my friends grow and I'm so glad to hear that she has made so much difference in people's lives... She learnt so much about God, life, relationships etc. I see the radiance in her, though her life wasn't all that good or high. Most of all, I respect her for knowing what she wants in life, knowing what she can achieve and do & make a difference in her life and people around her. She really inspires the gals, the younger ones.. bring them hope and support them in so many ways. She has a reason to live.

When I look back into my life. I feel as if, I am the opposite of her. I am still insecure of what my future will be. I am most of the time confused with my own identity and what I want for myself even. I feel as if there is no reason for me to live. Let's face some facts... I am not much of a person whom "make a difference" wherever I go or whatever I do. I don't do much inspiring cuz I just don't know what to say most of the time, whether advice ppl or make them feel better. The best I can do, "I'll be your friend & will be here" (which sometimes, I get into trouble with as well). hehe I don't know what I want in life.. I don't even know what God wants from me!

Sometimes, I just feel so tired of living. I am not much use in this world anyway. So, wouldn't make much of a difference if I am gone, rite? Why O why, am I here in the first place? I seem to hurt those whom I seem to be making a difference in their lives (at first). So, there's not much of a positive differences there. I don't know what am I doing here. Okay.. besides, serving Him in ministries, worshipping Him and all. What else is there in life for me? Even as a CG leader, I am not an outstanding one. I am supposed to bring change but I am not doing much in CG as well to encourage or bring change.

I wanna live my life with a purpose.. knowing what I have to do & be bold to do it. Perhaps I do know but I swept it under a rug because I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong or courageous enough to be different. Somehow, something inside of me is whispering to my soul, "you can be more than you think you are". Why do I find it hard to believe? Because it doesn't seem evident enough?

Sometimes, just wanna give up ya know. But, I can't yet. There has to be a reason, rite? And I'll never know if I throw my life away. I do wonder if I am gone, what will I be missed for? Will or have I be a good testimony in people's lives? I don't know.. but I sure hope that God will be evident in my life.. cuz I am not living for myself but for Him.. and His Name will be lifted up through the things He did in me (whether with or without my knowledge).

I do hope that... I made a difference in a lil things I do...
Hopefully it'll be a lil more clear to me on why I am still here & learn of the reason to live.

Desperate enough?

Hehaha I may appear as a 'desperado' because of my previous posts. As much as I hate to admit it, if I really do, give a thought about it, perhaps I am. I am so excited to be with my future husband. I really am! I don't know whether I have already met him since a long time ago, just met him or haven't met him yet.

As I wondered to myself about my desperate-ness... I really thought to myself.. how come, I haven't been so excited to meet God that way? How come I can be so desperate to be with someone (whom I may or may not know yet) but not be desperate enough for my God?

This really got me thinking... how do I know if I am desperate for Him? I haven't felt that way in a really long time... Wait, have I ever been desperate for Him? I don't know >_< What I do know is that, I am certainly not desperate enough for Him now.

What comes into my mind when I think about the word desperate?
- longing after... heavily relying on... hanging on tightly?

I frankly think, I am more desperate to be with people than God then. I feel as if I often seem to lose a grip of Him. What can I do, to be desperate for Him, once again? To be excited when I meet Him each day when I wake up... To have the overflowing desire to know Him...?

"O God, I wanna be excited when I see You. I wanna have that longing to really know you as well as understand Ya & be with Ya always... Lord, help me to stay put & hold unto You tightly. Help me to learn that, I need You more than I ever will know. Help me to understand that there is greater love in You than the peeps that I constantly seek for around me. Let my soul thirst for You... I pray, in Jesus Name, Amen."

What kind of girlfriend am I?

You're a Steady Supporter
Stand by your man - that's just something you naturally do. Once you've committed to a relationship, you are constant companion who enjoys the comfort and stability that comes from being a couple. Not quick to judge, accuse, or think the worst, you have a lot to trust (in him & yourself), and you rarely worry about where he is or who he's with.

For you, mutual respect is the utmost importance. You are comfortable & confident in your own skin, making you a great pillar of strength in all your relationships. Whether he is striving to climb up a mountain or land a promotion, you have his back. Best part is, you know he's got yours too!

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?

Brought to you by Tickle

Hehehe, just did this for fun! Cool... but how true it is.. I dunno la! hehehe
But it'll be nice, if i can really be someone stated above when I am in a relationship.
I do want to build my partner up & encourage one another in not just human love, but God's love. I know that I'll give him my support in whatever he does...
Am excited to be with him in the future (whoever he is!) ^_^

Stuck in dreamland

Have you experienced a time whereby, when you were sleeping and you want to wake up, but you just can't. You struggle to open your eyes.. like you just CAN'T open them and in your preconcious state, you keep telling yourself to open them. Then, you can imagine the external view, your surroundings, trying to make your body to wake yourself up, but you just can't?

Ever feel as if you just can't get out of your unconcious/preconcious state? Just stuck there, unable to get up or move yourself at times... struggling.. As though, someone was pushing your body down or someone sitting on you. Your body just felt as though it was pinned on the bed/couch you were sleeping on.

Terrible feeling, rite? After long hours of sleeping, you feel even more tired than before.

Anyone can explain all these to me??? It seems kinda scary. I feel that quite often now. Is it because my body is extremely tireed & crying out for rest? I have been sleeping earlier than before (I think!). Any other explanations?

Felt as if I was in coma... The difference is, in coma, you can't get up for few months or years.
Felt like sleep apnea, but in that state, you are gasping for air & unable to breath at the middle of your sleep.

So, what is it? Does it often happen to you?

Want to listen to the song?

Btw, if you want to know how the song goes...
it's in my Cell Couch's blog.

Visit http://amazing-gracey.blogspot.com/

Listen to the music played in her blog.
Hope you don't mind, Grace!

"I will be here" by Steven Curtis Chapman

I love the song "I will be here" from Steven Curtis Chapman.

Whenever I here this song, I feel like crying.
The song is so meaningful... brings warmth to my heart.
Knowing that... someone truly loves me & willing to be by my side.
No matter what circumstances we're in,
and someone just being able to accept & loves me for who I am...
Just knowing that someone is there walking in life with you,
when no one seems to be there.

Dedication to my future husband, whoever you are :
(and I'm sure, from him to me too)

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
I, I will be here

# I will be here, when you feel like being quiet,
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen
I will be here, when the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
and the future is unclear
I, I will be here
As sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetime were made for these tears
So, I, I will be here

# I will be here, so you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here, to watch you grow in beauty,
All tell you all the things, you mean to me
I will be here

B: I will be true, to the promise I have made
To you and to the One, who gave you to me

Just as sure, season were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So, I, I will be here
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here....


Dear God,
"Thank you, Father Lord, for this reminder as well, that You love me so much and You are always there. Perhaps, I feel like crying because it is so hard to grasp on that thought, that You will be there.. even when I've fell, gone thru mistakes after mistakes in life and ran away from you countless times. Though so, you never failed to assure me, that You are still there, waiting for me to come back into Your loving arms. Remind me of Your love day by day. Help me to understand the love You have for us, Your children. I... wanna love You. Help me love You and in turn, love others around me."

Love,
Your dear child, Liza.


To my dear future husband (whoever you are & if I have one),
Know that I have always loved you. Sorry for the dissapointments & hurt that I have made. I thank you for the times we've shared. Thank you for letting me into your life and giving me a chance to walk with you through the remaining days of our lives. I know that I've never regretted it when I said "I do". Thank you for keeping me pure. Even if we had fell into tempations before marriage, I know that with God by our side, we have overcome it... and our purity would be restored. Know that... as the seasons may change in our lives, even when it may seem as though our love have grown cold, know that I still love you & I want continue to be with you. Remember this song, my love. A promise we've made for each other.

Yours dearly, Lizzie.

Lost for Words

I'm lost for words...
words that may have been kept deep inside of me.

Will be back

I have so many things I want to share but can't seem to find the time to type it all down.
All I have to say for now is - "I'll be back".

Friends... What happened to them?

I realized that I have been spending so much time being busy with my ministries and with my work that I do not have the time to connect with the people around me. It's kinda sad that I feel disconnected at times with my own peers and group of friends. Ones we were so carefree, we can talk about anything, anyhow but now, I often rush in and out and I don't really have the time to really sit down and talk to the people I really care as well as the people that seem close to me before.

Sometimes, it's not just the many things you have to do that takes your time. It is the aftermath of it as well. You'll feel extremely tired.. physically, mentally and all. You'll feel drained out after it all. Therefore, it seem as if you have no time for anything else cuz all you just want do is to REST!

I guess that is why now, I feel so disconnected from the ones I was close to before. I still am really grateful for the ones who stick close and check up on me continuously. I mean, not just talking about work related business kinda thing or surface level of myself but more on the personal level. I really appreciate the effort of those who really encourages me and wanna take a deeper look into my life. At the same time, the person gives me space to breathe. That is how relationships or true friendships works.

I guess, I also have to learn to take the effort. People should know that I am not much of a conversationalist. If one guides me to talk, and we talk about something that I can share and relate about, I can too... if not, i really don't have much to talk about but I really am able to be interested in what you have to say. So, you don't have to be afraid that I am uninterested or I feel bored. Reality is... no, I don't feel bored in what you have to say. I can have fun just by listening. Unless rite, you talk about the same topic repeatedly, whenever we hang out and all... (eg. computer games). In the first place, it is not nice to talk about something on and on, if the person doesn't understand or unable to relate to the topic and esp when you know they are uninterested in the topic.

I can be friendly and try to initiate conversations the first time ya know me and all. But I learn that I don't have to be not myself... get it? Meaning, I can try all I want to be a conversationalist but when I really don't have much to talk about or really don't feel like making a conversation, I don't have to force myself to do so. Of course, I would like to at least make the effort and try la. It's not so good if people thinks that the friendship they have with me is just one-way relationship.

The irony is... sometimes people expect me to do something about the friendship when I don't think they really done much about it either. Seriously! and that really got me thinking, why the heck do I need to bother so much or why do I always have to be the first one who give it a push/initiate/reconcile. Perhaps the expectations of the friendship is different. Like I would like the person to be more (...A...) and the person would like me to be more (...B...). So, there is no shared realities and we think as if, the person is not putting in effort in the friendship as they should be, when they do put effort in it.. just not the kind that we want.

I guess, we just need to learn to understand one another & how each other works. I've been a busy person, but that doesn't mean that I do not care about my friends. I really do. I miss them. I know that I have to do my part of the friendship... but I also hope that it works both ways as well.

Know this... I am not an all rounder. I need my space, I need time for myself. I also need to be cared for and I want to care for my friends as well. I am just human... like anyone of you.