Reason to Live?

I had a long talk with my best friend today. I missed her so much! We talked for hours about life & things that matters to us. Can't believe we are already 'young ladies'. I love seeing all my friends grow and I'm so glad to hear that she has made so much difference in people's lives... She learnt so much about God, life, relationships etc. I see the radiance in her, though her life wasn't all that good or high. Most of all, I respect her for knowing what she wants in life, knowing what she can achieve and do & make a difference in her life and people around her. She really inspires the gals, the younger ones.. bring them hope and support them in so many ways. She has a reason to live.

When I look back into my life. I feel as if, I am the opposite of her. I am still insecure of what my future will be. I am most of the time confused with my own identity and what I want for myself even. I feel as if there is no reason for me to live. Let's face some facts... I am not much of a person whom "make a difference" wherever I go or whatever I do. I don't do much inspiring cuz I just don't know what to say most of the time, whether advice ppl or make them feel better. The best I can do, "I'll be your friend & will be here" (which sometimes, I get into trouble with as well). hehe I don't know what I want in life.. I don't even know what God wants from me!

Sometimes, I just feel so tired of living. I am not much use in this world anyway. So, wouldn't make much of a difference if I am gone, rite? Why O why, am I here in the first place? I seem to hurt those whom I seem to be making a difference in their lives (at first). So, there's not much of a positive differences there. I don't know what am I doing here. Okay.. besides, serving Him in ministries, worshipping Him and all. What else is there in life for me? Even as a CG leader, I am not an outstanding one. I am supposed to bring change but I am not doing much in CG as well to encourage or bring change.

I wanna live my life with a purpose.. knowing what I have to do & be bold to do it. Perhaps I do know but I swept it under a rug because I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong or courageous enough to be different. Somehow, something inside of me is whispering to my soul, "you can be more than you think you are". Why do I find it hard to believe? Because it doesn't seem evident enough?

Sometimes, just wanna give up ya know. But, I can't yet. There has to be a reason, rite? And I'll never know if I throw my life away. I do wonder if I am gone, what will I be missed for? Will or have I be a good testimony in people's lives? I don't know.. but I sure hope that God will be evident in my life.. cuz I am not living for myself but for Him.. and His Name will be lifted up through the things He did in me (whether with or without my knowledge).

I do hope that... I made a difference in a lil things I do...
Hopefully it'll be a lil more clear to me on why I am still here & learn of the reason to live.