Abandon it all

- frustrations
- disappointments
- hurts & pains
- anger & un-forgiveness
- fears
- feelings (emotions & emotionlessness)
- past, present & future
- partner-to-be
- desires, wish, hopes
- dreams, visions & prophesies
- thoughts, conduct/behavior
- unwillingness
- stubbornness
- pride
- focus
- studies (assignments & exams; semester)
- weaknesses & strengths
- securities
- impatience
- own ways
- Just myself...

Don't wanna worry anymore... don't wanna ruminate anymore.. don't wanna dwell in it anymore... don't even wanna think anymore...

Am tired... drained out... too full of myself.
I can't keep living on my own like this...


Bits of songs in my head...

I Surrender All hymn sang by Brian Littrell

"Lord, I give to You, all I ever had
And everything I was, and everything I am
And now I’m laying it down, laying at Your feet
To Your grace, to Your bow
I surrender all

Lord, I give myself to Thee
Fill me with Thy love and power
Let Thy blessing fall on me

I surrender all, I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Saviour
I surrender all"

"Help me to truly surrender FREELY!"
I've been doing it obligingly and still clinging to those things I wanna surrender. Who ever taught you to take back whatever you've given away already?


Over my head by Brian Littrell

"...I've been holding on
Now I'm letting go, just letting go
Gonna let Your love carry me away..."

Let me not carry these things upon my shoulders on my own and take these things into my own hands... Let me abandon, leave those things in Your hands, and allow me to hold unto Your love


Lead me to the cross by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong United)

"Lead me to the cross
where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
O lead me... lead me to the cross"


Clinging to the cross by Tim Hughes & Brooke Fraser

"My soul is weak, my heart is numb
I cannot seem but still my hope is found in You.
I hold on tightly, You will never let me go,
For Jesus You will never fail,
Jesus You will never fail.

Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
I'm clinging to the cross
Mercy found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus You are all I need
I'm clinging to the cross"


Why is it so damn hard to just abandon it all?

God's answer

If you ask for the wrong thing, at the wrong time, God says "NO"
If you ask for the right thing, at the wrong time, God says "SLOW"
If you ask for the wrong thing, at the right time, God says "GROW"
If you ask for the right thing, at the right time, God says "GO"

Exams O Exams...

Quiet and empty, isn't it? Can't get that in PJ/KL at 10.30pm. I think here, you can lie down at the middle of the road & not get crashed.. LOL! Love the city lights at night. This was taken when I was waiting for bus to go home from the city.


Exams... exams... exams....
I finally felt nervousness 3 hrs before my 1st paper. Finally realized that I can't settle for a fail... finally realized that just passing it, is the results I can best produce.
I've been reflecting upon the sem and asking myself, what really happened.
Why couldn't I follow or concentrate in class? Why is it that I didn't have the motivation to do my best and that I am consistently drained out after assignments, from one to another? Looks like, it wasn't only my struggle, but my friends from back home seem to face something somewhat similar as what I felt. Is it a 'Malaysian' mentality thing? I hope not..

Past 2 papers was BAD!!!! Perhaps not as scary as my dream, but it was SCARY! Try staring at the paper for hours, not knowing what to write. You want to crap something up also, your mind is BLANK!!!! You've reread what you've studied like 4-5 times, and prepared points for essay, but suddenly you just lose your train of thoughts. Wohooo!! That was me!!! I could picture my answers in my mind.. as in PICTURE it!!! but i couldn't express it down in words >_< *shucks* It really was bad. I know that I can pass because of my assignments. If I can't even pass for it... lol... my results for exam is super minimal. *sigh* ok.. enough of exams... have to look forward and focus on 2 more (1 internal paper, 1 take home exam). Then, I can berMERDEKA and berHOLIDAY!!! XD Kinda looking forward to the hols. That was initially the only thing I looked forward to.

1st paper was nervous mah .. cuz first paper... mins before exam, I was excited... I was smiley.. my friends and I were singing before we entered into the hall. I started singing "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" or smtng... LOL!!! Winter mahh!! SO COLD somemore! and my focus was on the star the whole evening while waiting to enter into the exam hall :P Exams... was bad but it was still alright... I could still smile my way out and back. My other friends must think that I am crazy. I was so relieved that it was over. I can deal with a pass for this one.

I was extremely disappointed over myself with yesterday's paper though. I was so angry and unhappy that when I came out from the hall and waited for the bus to go to the city, I did something that I haven't done for years, since secondary school. You see I mix with couple of guy friends, was very close to them, and I picked up one of their habit... like how they would react when they were unhappy. At the other side of the bus stop, as I was blocked by it, I punched the wall a few times... Yeah, I know it's a stupid thing to do.. lol.. and yes, it hurts. That was the main point I guess. So that you can feel the pain and it can replace the other feelings inside, whether it is sadness or frustrations. Was soooo furious... >_< I somehow wished the wall was smoother though.. LOL!

I'm glad that I was supposed to meet a friend that day for dinner. If not I wouldn't know where to go. I certainly didn't wanna go back. He could see that I wasn't happy. He knows that I wasn't. My whole facial expression dropped.. I practically stuffed myself with his chocs -Maltesers-. My friend must be thinking that I'm crazy. I know he was really worried. Since, I can't cry it out.. I might as well stuff and munch on things *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH* That was what I do when I am unhappy.. I think I tend to eat a lot... I think when I am stressed, I don't eat at all. Yepz.. that's me. I thank God for him though.. that I had a friend to comfort me at that time. It was alright after that and I had a BIG appetite for dinner, despite the amount of chocs I ate before that. Apparently, I look extremely scary when I am frustrated, angry, unhappy and displeased. Yea, not many people get to see that side of me.

So yeah.. exams O exams... Gonna focus on the 2 more papers. Nvm. CAN ONE!!!

Feel the breeze~

Welcome to Winterrr!! Yes, the grass is still green, but the trees dropped its leaves.
Temperature here ranged from 1C (lowest point, so far) - 24C (highest point, me think).

Exam is tomorroww!! Finally!!! Well, I sound excited right? 'Cuz I can't wait to finish my exams!!! I have to admit that I am ssoooo under-prepared but I really can't wait for it to be over and done with. Why can't we M'sians handle the stress, I wonder? All we can think about is the afterrr the dreadful period of exams - HoLiDaYs!!! We pass also happy already. That is how we work right now... because we are so mentally tired, super under motivated & mentally drained.

So yeah.. dat's life for me now. Can't wait for Saturday afternoon!!!

This is my timetable:-
Wed (20/6): Issues to Criminal Justice: 6.30pm - 8.30pm
Thurs (21/6): Community Wellness: 2.00pm - 4.00pm
Fri (22/6): Pass up take home exam for Forensic Psyc: 5pm
Sat (23/6): Health Psyc: 9am - 12pm

So yep yep. Waiting for Sat to come. That keeps me less moody and excited.

I do wonder, am I affected by the winter. They said u can have S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) during winter. I know my mood have been changing a lot... I would so love to blame it all to the weather.. LOL! but.. hmmm it's not TOTALLY the weather's/season's fault. Maybe just a lil :P

We'll see soon enough :)

Conflict within myself

Hehe I know some people are bored with the lyrics in my blog.
Reason I put lyrics is a way of expressing what I'm going through as well... not just some random lyrics I love liao! =P even if it may seem so.. *haha*

Anyway, lots of things happened within the week, month or so.. Many many many.... I don't even know how to start. Have been busy with assignments.. it was CRAZY, being sick and rushing for assignments (as written in the prev posts)... my whole lifestyle.. like usual ler.. memang 'upside-down'.

I'm really sorry for neglecting people back in M'sia or even here because of my busyness. I have neglected many many people this past month. I did find myself distancing from others.. and becoming more antisocial, and perhaps only sticking to a very few peeps here. I've experienced distrust, hurt, brokenness, worriness, being afraid, doubts, craziness, falling in love, sadness, happiness, being ecstatic, being in self-denial... wow, almost everything you can possibly imagine! That's within the month itself.

Now, exam period. Seriously, I am demotivated like no one's business. I don't feel the urgency. I don't feel the need. I don't feel worried. What is wrong with me? >_< All i can think of... "I WANNA GET OVER IT!!!" I just wanna enjoy my holidays. I got myself busy again! Woohoo!! Youth camp, big bro's birthday & holiday with friends! =) Seriously crazy... the youth camp and holiday with friends were like so random! That's so me after I been here...

I thank God that I am able to express myself again... I truly was able to express all out.. and I finally could express my feelings after all. After months of feeling stuck, and emotionless or filled with emotions and wanna let it out but just couldn't.. I finally did.. For what reason? LOL! Well, there are many reasons that a gal would cry... I am so relieved that I am like any gal & human being with emotions. I have been feeling stuck for months ever since I came here. Thank You God.

I am grateful for so many things. God's faithfulness in my life. God ever ready to speak to me through sermons, prayers or people about what I am going through, confirmation again and again on what He is saying... the people (new or old) whom God sent into my life... friendships rectified.. seeing hope again in certain things... and opening my eyes to certain issues in my life, that I may or may not understand. I thank God for people He has put to support me through and encourage me to draw closer and trust Him -which is not easy for me-.

Hmmm.. there are still many things locked in my heart. Lol! Many people know me as someone optimistic, especially from back home.. but only a very free know the pessimistic part of me... Lord, please help me... Seeing things without having hope or faith, kinda sux. It is not easy to just surrender it to Him.... esp when you are so scared that you'll lose whatever you've surrendered *shucks* Trust Him.. trust Him.. trust Him.. He knows what's best.. Don't assume what He'll do in your life.. because you really don't know -note to self-

ARGH! Frustrating!!! >_< style="font-style: italic;">
"God, I surrender my thoughts, emotions and actions to you.. my future is in Your hands. Help me trust You fully.... and not be afraid..."

Shadow Feet

Currently playing in my blog... An inspiration... Shadow Feet (Album Version)

Walking, stumbling On these shadow feet Toward home, a land that I've never seen I am changing Less and less asleep Made of different stuff than when I began And I have sensed it all along Now fast approaching is the day CHORUS When the world has fallen out from under me I'll be found in you, still standing When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees When time and space are through I'll be found in you There's distraction Buzzing in my head Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay But I've heard rumours of true reality Whispers of a well-lit way CHORUS Bridge You make all things new CHORUS CHORUS 2 When the world has fallen out from under me I'll be found in you, still standing Every fear and accusation under my feet When time and space are through I'll be found in you When time and space are through I'll be found in you When time and space are through I'll be found in you

Copyright Brooke Fraser

Love is Waiting

Love Is Waiting (Album Version)

In the autumn on the ground Between the traffic and the ordinary sounds I am thinking signs and seasons While a north wind blows through I watch as lovers pass me by Walking stories, who's and how's and why's Musing lazily on love, pondering you Let's give it time, give it space And be still for a spell When it's time to walk that way We wanna walk it well CHORUS I'll be waiting for you baby I'll be holding back the darkest night Love is waiting `til we're ready `Til it's right Love is waiting It's my caution not the cold There's no other hand that I would rather hold The climate changes, I'm singing for strangers about you Don't keep time, slow the pace Honey hold on if you can The bets are getting surer now That you're my man CHORUS Bridge I could write a million songs about the way you say my name I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again And like I can't force the sun to rise Or hasten summer's start Neither should I rush my way into your heart

Copyright Brooke Fraser

Enjoying Brooke Fraser's songs at the moment. Incredible songs..
"Love is patient..." 1 Cor 13
Love is a choice.

New handphone

Since everyone wants to know about my new handphone...
It's a Nokia E65.
*ta daahh*





Nice?

What are the features?

• Access business functions quickly and easily with One Touch keys for conference calls, mute/unmute, and contacts
• Keep your hands free with voice dialing and commands, and the integrated speakerphone
• Access your favorite feature with the customizable My Own key
• Check your email on-the-go with a variety of mobile email applications or with the native email client
• View email attachments from common office applications
• Make cost-efficient VoIP (voice over IP) calls via WLAN
• Integrate Nokia E65 into in-office PBX (private branch exchange) infrastructure using third-party add-on solutions
• Show your sense of style with the slim, stylish slide design

(Link ref: http://europe.nokia.com/A4346184)

I'm paying $AU10 each month for 2 yrs for this :)

"Lift" by Shannon Noll

I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working

Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
You're life is calling, yeah

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift

When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta...

Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give in
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift

This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again

[CHORUS]

Pick up now...
Pick up now...


Thanks so much, dear friend, for introducing me to this song :)
Not gonna give up, gonna pick myself up, lift His Spirit within me, leaving the past behind & moving forward...

"Set Me Free" by Casting Crown

It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains

Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away

Chorus:
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free

Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me

Chorus

As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
The darkness cannot hide

Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
(Repeat)

You are free
You are free
You are free

---

Am going through some rough patches... it has been crazy... it was all good until a friend realized and told me that there was something about me that wasn't right.. something about the way I shared my life.. and so, I searched through.. what could be? I'm happy, it has all been well.. But soon I wonder whether was it reality or did I create an illusion for myself that everythin was alright? Then, things got worst, thoughts and emotions bugging and torturing my soul... Lord, when will the time come for me to just let it all go and be in peace from all these? Why can't I just express it out like normal people do?

Sigh... when will the time for me to be able to abandon everything at His feet.. Worried over lil things and seem which seem to be turned into something huge, because I couldn't voice out how I really felt? Worst, sometimes I can't remember what was bothering me, 'cuz I usually just shrug it aside. My life is not only affected but the people who cares and loves me as well are affected. Why the inadequacy when I can hang unto You adequacy & Your confidence.

You have been ever so faithful to me and the people who was hurt by me. I just pray that.. You'll give me courage.. Courage to face all these and to overcome all these with You, as well as listening to what You have to say.. Faith to know that You are there for me, and You will help me through and that it is possible to break through it... Wisdom & discernment to decide and make choices which are favourable in Your eyes... Patience to wait on You.. because it is so so so hard to ever do that..

Help me to still praise Your Name, despite of all these.

"I'll Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus