Conflict within myself

Hehe I know some people are bored with the lyrics in my blog.
Reason I put lyrics is a way of expressing what I'm going through as well... not just some random lyrics I love liao! =P even if it may seem so.. *haha*

Anyway, lots of things happened within the week, month or so.. Many many many.... I don't even know how to start. Have been busy with assignments.. it was CRAZY, being sick and rushing for assignments (as written in the prev posts)... my whole lifestyle.. like usual ler.. memang 'upside-down'.

I'm really sorry for neglecting people back in M'sia or even here because of my busyness. I have neglected many many people this past month. I did find myself distancing from others.. and becoming more antisocial, and perhaps only sticking to a very few peeps here. I've experienced distrust, hurt, brokenness, worriness, being afraid, doubts, craziness, falling in love, sadness, happiness, being ecstatic, being in self-denial... wow, almost everything you can possibly imagine! That's within the month itself.

Now, exam period. Seriously, I am demotivated like no one's business. I don't feel the urgency. I don't feel the need. I don't feel worried. What is wrong with me? >_< All i can think of... "I WANNA GET OVER IT!!!" I just wanna enjoy my holidays. I got myself busy again! Woohoo!! Youth camp, big bro's birthday & holiday with friends! =) Seriously crazy... the youth camp and holiday with friends were like so random! That's so me after I been here...

I thank God that I am able to express myself again... I truly was able to express all out.. and I finally could express my feelings after all. After months of feeling stuck, and emotionless or filled with emotions and wanna let it out but just couldn't.. I finally did.. For what reason? LOL! Well, there are many reasons that a gal would cry... I am so relieved that I am like any gal & human being with emotions. I have been feeling stuck for months ever since I came here. Thank You God.

I am grateful for so many things. God's faithfulness in my life. God ever ready to speak to me through sermons, prayers or people about what I am going through, confirmation again and again on what He is saying... the people (new or old) whom God sent into my life... friendships rectified.. seeing hope again in certain things... and opening my eyes to certain issues in my life, that I may or may not understand. I thank God for people He has put to support me through and encourage me to draw closer and trust Him -which is not easy for me-.

Hmmm.. there are still many things locked in my heart. Lol! Many people know me as someone optimistic, especially from back home.. but only a very free know the pessimistic part of me... Lord, please help me... Seeing things without having hope or faith, kinda sux. It is not easy to just surrender it to Him.... esp when you are so scared that you'll lose whatever you've surrendered *shucks* Trust Him.. trust Him.. trust Him.. He knows what's best.. Don't assume what He'll do in your life.. because you really don't know -note to self-

ARGH! Frustrating!!! >_< style="font-style: italic;">
"God, I surrender my thoughts, emotions and actions to you.. my future is in Your hands. Help me trust You fully.... and not be afraid..."