Friends... What happened to them?

I realized that I have been spending so much time being busy with my ministries and with my work that I do not have the time to connect with the people around me. It's kinda sad that I feel disconnected at times with my own peers and group of friends. Ones we were so carefree, we can talk about anything, anyhow but now, I often rush in and out and I don't really have the time to really sit down and talk to the people I really care as well as the people that seem close to me before.

Sometimes, it's not just the many things you have to do that takes your time. It is the aftermath of it as well. You'll feel extremely tired.. physically, mentally and all. You'll feel drained out after it all. Therefore, it seem as if you have no time for anything else cuz all you just want do is to REST!

I guess that is why now, I feel so disconnected from the ones I was close to before. I still am really grateful for the ones who stick close and check up on me continuously. I mean, not just talking about work related business kinda thing or surface level of myself but more on the personal level. I really appreciate the effort of those who really encourages me and wanna take a deeper look into my life. At the same time, the person gives me space to breathe. That is how relationships or true friendships works.

I guess, I also have to learn to take the effort. People should know that I am not much of a conversationalist. If one guides me to talk, and we talk about something that I can share and relate about, I can too... if not, i really don't have much to talk about but I really am able to be interested in what you have to say. So, you don't have to be afraid that I am uninterested or I feel bored. Reality is... no, I don't feel bored in what you have to say. I can have fun just by listening. Unless rite, you talk about the same topic repeatedly, whenever we hang out and all... (eg. computer games). In the first place, it is not nice to talk about something on and on, if the person doesn't understand or unable to relate to the topic and esp when you know they are uninterested in the topic.

I can be friendly and try to initiate conversations the first time ya know me and all. But I learn that I don't have to be not myself... get it? Meaning, I can try all I want to be a conversationalist but when I really don't have much to talk about or really don't feel like making a conversation, I don't have to force myself to do so. Of course, I would like to at least make the effort and try la. It's not so good if people thinks that the friendship they have with me is just one-way relationship.

The irony is... sometimes people expect me to do something about the friendship when I don't think they really done much about it either. Seriously! and that really got me thinking, why the heck do I need to bother so much or why do I always have to be the first one who give it a push/initiate/reconcile. Perhaps the expectations of the friendship is different. Like I would like the person to be more (...A...) and the person would like me to be more (...B...). So, there is no shared realities and we think as if, the person is not putting in effort in the friendship as they should be, when they do put effort in it.. just not the kind that we want.

I guess, we just need to learn to understand one another & how each other works. I've been a busy person, but that doesn't mean that I do not care about my friends. I really do. I miss them. I know that I have to do my part of the friendship... but I also hope that it works both ways as well.

Know this... I am not an all rounder. I need my space, I need time for myself. I also need to be cared for and I want to care for my friends as well. I am just human... like anyone of you.