Control over ourselves?

After washing my face this morning, I looked in the mirror..

"Oh my gosh!!!" O_O >_<>

I looked as if I've been punched in the eyes or something *ok-la, a bit exaggerated*
It didn't look that bad when I have my specs on but when I took it off... oh dear.

There are dark rings around my eye... I am quite lethargic these few days.
Haven't have enough sleep.. A few times, I just can't sleep till past 3am or so. It's nuts.

Food intake, getting little and little.. day-by-day.
Wonder whether is it because I am getting bored of the food, or my stomach just got smaller?
Oddly, I don't feel as hungry as I used to, when I take such small amount of food each day.
I don't think that I psyced myself thinking that I am fat, though I would love to be thin and just right.

It's odd how our biological clock works.

Some people say that I am a happy-go-lucky person.. at times laid back. Those who really know me, I tend to worry a lot and get tensed up quite easily. You can see it through the way I handle things at times, or when I plan. I am always in a rush. Those close to me would know 'cause they would be the victims when I talk to them about it. They would have to keep asking me to calm down.. to relax... to not be too worried about these lil things in life.

My friend asked once "Do you feel lonely?" At first, I do not know how to answer that. Come to think about it, I do not feel that as often as I do last time. Why? Because I've been running around like a maniac from one activity to another and kept myself busy.. I dont' really have the time to think whether I am lonely. Which is good at my part, but in a long run, I think I may just breakdown and crash or something. If I really look deeper into my soul, perhaps I do feel lonely... or rather afraid that I'll feel lonely.

Symptoms:
- Aggitated when I have nothing to do.
- Am clueless on what I should do.
- Get a bit worried & tense for having nothing to do.
- Do not know how to relax or do something I really enjoy.
- Hardly had the time to just rest.

Do I bombared myself with these activities unconciously to avoid thinking about how lonely I could be or because I just really like to do these things and love to help around? If I do really want to serve also, I better do it wisely, because at the end of the day, I'll be tiring myself out, either knowing the purpose of what I do and how I live each day, or still clueless about it.

I know that I am standing on dangerous grounds if I do not reflect upon my life, the way I live and search deeper of why I do certain things. But at the same time... I think I am afraid. I am afraid of letting my mind wander about, letting my emotions go loose and it becomes uncontrollable.

Can that ever happen? Is it possible to not having control over what you think of and your feelings? I believe that you can control it if you really really want to, at the same time, it is really hard to do so. Afterall, God gave us a choice. He didn't make us robots that we have no control of our lives at all. Yes, God is in control of everything around us, but ultimately we are responsible for our own decisions and actions. We are given the stewardship to choose how we want to live, in this lifetime.

When I worry, my friend/leader told me before that I should not think too much, or my mind will play tricks on me. As a psychology student, I know that the mind is a powerful thing that God has made, and no one can fully understand it. You can see through the various the perspectives or theories that humans came up with to understand human behavior. I also asked before "Have you ever felt afraid for falling in love with someone?" She answered she doesn't like it when someone uses the word 'falling in love'. The statement sounds as if there is no control over your feelings and actions. Therefore, it seems like you don't have to take responsibility over it.. cause it's beyond your capability or what you can choose to do.

What I've learnt is if I really did 'fall' for someone, I am able to choose on what I want to do about it, even if it seem so feel hard to control my feelings. If my mind think too much about unimportant, unhealthy facts that could be destructive to my life, I can at least try to stop thinking about it or do something that would help to not think too much about it - like having all those activities. That doesn't give me the excuse to avoid reflecting upon what is important, just because I do not want to face it. I can choose to sleep early and eat properly. I have control over my own body... and what I want to do. So, I should take control and be a steward of my the life that God has given to me.

Life and choices are afterall, a gift from God to us...