Clueless

So many things have happened since I’ve updated the last post. My office line is down, so it’s like really quiet here and because of that, many people won’t see me online as often as I used to as well. Hehe I guess it’s a really good thing because I get to control my ‘net’ addiction. I’ve been in and out of home, so usually I’ll come online really late at night and just for a while, or I’ll stone for the whole day in office (which is not good-la). Also, feeling unwell for the past few nights (I say nights because I got better in the morning and afternoon, miraculously) helped me distant myself from going online for too long during the nights.

Things seem so complicating when you keep thinking about it, though it only has a simple reason. The only time it becomes extremely complicating is when you keep dwelling and have that thought lingering around as we so often try so hard to reason it out ourselves in our minds, even when some has it’s reasons stated or obviously shown already.

I was feeling ‘kinda’ confused the past few days… ok, maybe months-la. Things happened and I didn’t really understand why. Or perhaps, vice versa, things didn’t happen when I thought it was suppose to take place. There was not much explanation on how or why it happened. Perhaps, I’ve already had those simple reasons but it wasn’t enough to give me peace and not enough for me to understand the fuller picture.

Now, I have 2 things off my burdened back. I am thankful. I wonder why it took so long for me to let go. I guess I just needed an honest answer and explanation that I could really register into my mind (simple enough for me to understand, without all the fancy words) and move on with life. LOL.

Those few months, I regretted so many things that had happened before. Yes, tainted past, the hurts… but now as I think back, it ain’t that bad. I really learnt a lot of things about myself. It made me reflect a lot more, made me think a lot more about my own actions and consequences. Some painful memories but, I guess, something good can come out from it, if we are willing to open our eyes and heart to learn from those experience.

I hope to be more confident now as a person; the way I live my life and the way I carry myself out. My friend asked me how am I and I honestly told him that it has been tough and I have personal struggles to face, but I didn’t tell him in detailed what was it. He didn’t press on to get out more information from me, but he said this “I think you’re going to have a breakthrough soon”. I replied, “I think so too”. I really hope so… and I should be putting my trust in God for that. I really need one in my life.

In the midst of confusion and doubts, I won’t say that my relationship with God is ‘perfecto’. I’ve strayed and am trying to draw near to Him again. His words doesn’t speak much to me as much as it used to… but I don’t want to give up because I know there’s something more to life than what it is now. I don’t want to give up because I know there is something more out there than just ‘me’ here. I don’t want to give up because I know everything is not going to be worth it but one thing is because it’s lasting. Because of that reason, everything will be worth it, not just for me but someone beyond my comprehension, beyond my understanding.

Often in this crazy world, we forget who is in control. I admire my friends whom I can see, still pressing on and continually holding on to the faith and His word, His integrity, His purpose… still sane from all the things that happened. I love to hear from them, as they share their experiences and how when things gets tough, they hold unto God even tighter and praise God for strength, perseverance and what they have learnt through all the crappiness they may have been through. Perhaps just 10 or even 5 minutes, spending time, just hearing from them or one person even, gives me hope again. I see glimpse hope every time I hear all these testimonies and the simplest things that He did in their lives and how they’ve hanged on, in their faith in Him. A reminder that God is still there… through it all.