Not the best time of my life..

Sick - horrible flu, soar throat & phlegm.

Currently eating - Plain porridge (made by me!) with pepper & soya sauce.

Currently busy with... - 2 huge report assignments (1 pass up by this Fri, another by Fri week after that), 1 tutes informal presentation (next Thurs), 1 short essay (on the coming Mon), an essay on topic presented (the Thurs week after the presentation) and last short essay the beginning of June... then exams...

The international students in my course has expressed how meaningless life has been, as we work on assignments after assignments, week in week out. We are so frustrated and some even express their wish to just dieeee. We are the "PROCASTINATORS".

I felt really really discouraged, stressed out and worried about all these. I wanted so much to give up when I started on my first assignments this sem. As my mind were filled with lots of negative thoughts, I told myself I really couldn't handle all these assignments.. I really can't do it.. I even had thoughts at the back of my mind on how to escape from all these stress & fear of failing. It wasn't a very good thought at all. I began to think... if I failed, what is the worst that could happen? I don't think that was suppose to motivate me to just do whatever I can with my assignments. Another that popped by just recently was the thought of I'd rather do harm to myself than to fail. Hello! By doing harm to yourself, it won't help you finish assignments. Maybe they can extend for you (and think that you're a psycho), but it won't bring all those responsibilities and tasks away! >_< I'll have to redo the course or go into psychiatric rehab instead and say bye to my future... I might as well just fail, and get the opportunity to redo my assignment!

WAHHH!! Cannot 'tahan' having these kinda stupid thoughts. However, I really thank God for a great support group here. I have people here that supported me so so much... more than I thought should receive. They believed I can do it.. though I felt I didn't deserve that because it is the result of my consequences for last-minuteness & not focusing in my course. My priority was running around... But they still continued to pray for me, to support me through and help me, even when they are busy. I really thank God for them.. I really thank God for being so faithful himself and believing in me, even when I couldn't quite believe in myself.

God has put so many people in my life to assure His love for me... to remind me that I am not walking alone... to realize that He is still in control.. not me, but Him. He has shown me His love through the testimony of others and how they have portrayed His love for me. I am so so so blessed..

I just pray that it is not too late for me to give my best shot and do my best for Him in my studies.

"Lord, I just surrender these papers/courses/semester to You... I surrender and yet help me to put in the best effort on it all not by my own strength but with your stength, your thoughts.. though it's super last minute and I may not even understand fully what I'm doing. I surrender and trust that whatever results I may have, You have a plan for me.. whether to teach me, or be grateful or to be responsible for my own actions/consequences... I pray that I never stop praising Your Name, whether I fail, do badly, pass or did well in it... If I could get through this and not fail, I pray that You will remind me of the lessons you've taught me over the years and pls HELP ME CHANGE!!! If I can't even take care of this area in my life, how am I gonna grow in other areas. Help me to want to change and challenge myself to change, so that I can be the best that You want me to be & the best that You have made me to be.. for I know that I have so much more potential than what I portray now... Let not anything hinder me from learning to be the best for You.. and to have that kind of spirit of excellence when I serve You everyday of my life in all areas. Help me know it is not too late for a change.. and You are going through all these (even when I think it's crap to go through all that.. but I'm sure You'll think it's necessary for me) with me.. Thank You, Lord. In Your mighty Name, Amen"