to be cont...
Worship Team for the night, led by Melissa.
Musicians: Aaron (drummer), Moses (pianist), Handy (Bass) + Xiao Xiao (Guitarist)
Backup Singers: Samuel, James, Jezamine + Liz
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Dress code: Just me, looking like an anime, wearing a red blouse/top with white collar, and black blazer, black slacks and black boots. Don't I look professional? XP Suddenly my head looks extra BIG!
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It's as if I've been chopped into pieces and glue won't be strong enough to put me together again.
It's as if, I've been in a washing machine, tossed and turned inside... crippled & wrinkled like after-washed-clothes.
It's as if I've been pushed into a slimy pit a million times... bruised from all the falls I had.
It's as if I've been in coma for few weeks, months and never to be woken up again.
It's as if I've been pierced thru' by swords and daggers so many times.. that I can't feel anymore stabs that comes my way again.
It's as if I've drowned in my own tears... and have no energy to float above it any longer.
It's as if I've crashed a few times... in the same accidents..
It's as if I've been lost in the wilderness and not to be found.
But you know what... this I promise you...
I'll be strong... I'll stand up again... I'll lift my head up to the One who is above all these things... I'll find my confidence in living again... and I'll search for the faith, passion and love that once I've experience. I may crash and burn, but I'll keep pressing on towards the goal, the One that is eternal and knows my destiny, my purpose, my name...
I will.. NOT give up!
As much as I would love to do this myself... I think I need some help here... LOL! :)
Am I really progressing or am I just kidding myself?
Seems as if things are becoming better... getting to the right track (I hope!)... But many things are still bugging me.
Questions to ponder...
Questions after questions... after questions.. after more questions... *sigh*
I've been looking back so often and wondering what happened to those 'golden days' of my life.. that I neglect the idea of looking ahead.. maybe I'm just stuck. Very stuck...
Anyway... God makes things new each and everyday for us. I remember my friends, parents, pastors' msgs reminded me again and again not to look back anymore.. Look ahead.. look at the new things that God will do in my life. Look at the new promises ahead of me. The new joy, the new peace.. The new better person that God can make me to be. God gives us mercy anew each day.. He gives us new days! So, why am I still looking back to my 'golden days'? Why do I desire for those times...?
"Look ahead, my dear.. Look forward.. Don't look behind anymore.."
I keep giving myself the same advice over and over again. Make sure that it is written in my heart.
I have to believe it myself and hold unto the promise that..."God is going to do something new in my life", IF I let Him to do so.
I HATE going to classes...
I HATE going to uni...
I CAN'T concentrate in class...
I CAN'T understand what the lecture is talking about on the subject, although they speak in a language I understand...
I CAN'T catch up in my lectures...
I DON'T have the freakin motivation to cont going for classes anymore...
I DON'T have the motivation to even keep breathing and living sometimes.
I just wanna sleep all day long for a month or so...
*feeling frustrated* >.<
*mentally stressed*
Pls for give my outburst.
What kinda quiz is this??? O_o Kinda scary... because it seem kinda accurate. Plus, the quiz only asked me for the colors I feel peaceful with in order. WEIRD!!!
You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image in the eyes of others. You are looking for acknowledgement from your peers and those who come into your sphere of influence. You want to be liked, not for what people think of you but for what you really are.
The situation at this time is one of considerable distress. You feel trapped and you are looking for some way out. You can find solace in the arms of someone who cares so long as there is no long-term emotional involvement.
You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.
You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!
"I know you two went through a lot.. but.. so much have happened.. sometimes as hard as it is, you have to let go" by Martha Kent - Smallville Season 6, Episode 19.
This was Martha's response when Clark expressed his heartache about his friendship with Lex. He saw a glimpse of a friend in him, that he hasn't seen since years ago, when Lex actually came back to safe him (Initially, he thought that Lex would have abandoned him in the tunnel). Also, he's expression changed when Lex told him that Clark was the only only true friend he had once upon a time. Clark wondered whether it was because he has given up on Lex too soon, that had Lex changed into the person he is now.
Martha Kent replied:
"You'll never give up on anyone, Clark... because your greatest strength, may also be your greatest weakness - your hope"
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Interesting eh? The stuff you can get out from movies... I love picking up quotes or certain meaningful conversations from movies/series.
I reflected upon my past and find it really hard to let go of the fact that... sometimes, so many things happened already (whether expected or unexpected), people change even I did, and some decisions influence your future and others around you... and there is nothing you can do to make things be the way it used to be.
I spent most of my time regretting over the things that happened... and wondered whether there's gonna be more similar regrets as these. But now... I just want to let go and move on. Mum was right... just let go of all my worries as well as my past hurts/disappointments.
I am reminded of my own season once again:
Ecc 3:5
(NIV)
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away.
(NLT)
a time to search and a time to quit searching,
a time to keep and a time to throw away.
(NKJV)
A time to gain, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away.
ONE:
A Critical Spirit: Condemns the person as well as the action
A Caring Spirit: Condemns the action not the person "Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."? (Proverbs 12:18)
TWO:
A Critical Spirit: Focuses on the faults of others
A Caring Spirit: Focuses on self-examination "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" (Luke 6:41)
THREE:
A Critical Spirit: Ridicules others
A Caring Spirit: Refrains from ridiculing others "A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue." (Proverbs 11:12)
FOUR:
A Critical Spirit: Makes judgments based on appearances
A Caring Spirit: Makes judgments based on the right facts "Stop judging by mere appearances, and make a right judgment." (John 7:24)
FIVE:
A Critical Spirit: Assumes the worst without first hearing from the accused
A Caring Spirit: Assumes the best while waiting to hear from the accused "Does our law condemn anyone without first hearing him to find out what he is doing?" (John 7:51)
SIX:
A Critical Spirit: Tears others down without seeing the unmet needs
A Caring Spirit: Builds others up according to their the needs "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." (Ephesians 4:29)
SEVEN:
A Critical Spirit: Confronts others publicly
A Caring Spirit: Confronts others privately "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." (Matthew 18:15)
EIGHT:
A Critical Spirit: Responds harshly when accused by others
A Caring Spirit: Responds appreciatively without quarreling when others give advice "Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice." (Proverbs 13:10)
NINE:
A Critical Spirit: Lacks mercy toward others
A Caring Spirit: Responds with mercy toward others "Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!" (James 2:12-13)
Closing Quote: "People don't care how much you know, until they know how much you care." Unknown
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I took this from my ex-CG member's blog. Thanks George for the post. It's amazing to see someone you've known grown so much :)
Anyway, as I reflected upon this post... I kinda understand why some people do not quite understand certain things about me... like why do I keep forgiving, or why do I mix around with certain people when they don't quite deserve it... why do I always give people second chances, or why do I let others hurt me so easily with their words or what they do? Why do I still sit there and wait, when someone pushes me away? Sometimes I don't quite understand it myself. LOL!
On the other hand, I would wonder, why are others often critical about one another? This even includes brothers and sisters in Christ or the church... Why can't there be second chances when I've been given so many second chances by God and demonstrated by others? Why shouldn't I mix around who might be misunderstood? You won't know they are misunderstood until you really know them. Why shouldn't I mix around with people who have a critical spirit within them? When you can see something more in them that they are now. Why shouldn't I wait... when I know... there is still hope.
Yeah, I get hurt from time to time with the things they say, the things they do... but I'm called by God to have a caring heart... and sometimes I wish that nothing can change that within me. I think nothing would have changed, if I hold steadfast on God's love for me and I truly understand His heart for me and others around me.
However, I feel as if I am slipping through His arms... I feel as if I'm slowly losing my caring spirit and have become more critical about things, people and most often, God. Sometimes it is so so hard to let go of the words said and the things that others have done that have hurt me. It is painful! And not being able to quite express truly what I think or feel about it, makes it worst sometimes. I just need to be more assertive (in the right way), to have wisdom & discernment when I relate with others and also, to do it with His strength & His love, through His perspective, His eyes instead of mine... cuz I am just so so tired now.
"Lord, please help us to have a caring spirit instead of a critical spirit for one another... especially those who are in the body of Christ. We need Your love to teach us on how to treat others with respect and love, instead of our own understanding of it and of others. Only You can change our perspective about people, our preconceived ideas about them.. and help us to not judge others. Help us to look at our own faults first before we look into the faults of others. Give us the strength when we grow weary of having a caring heart for others. Give us the patience when we deal with others 'cuz I know that You know how frustrating it can be :) I know You get frust of us too, because of the silly things we do at times or most of the time. hehe. Teach and cultivate in us a caring spirit. Open our eyes, and let us look it through Your eyes. Let us maintain this spirit in our lives as we grow to love You and one another. Jesus Name, Amen"
I've been staring at the sky tonight
Marvelling and passing time
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make You mine
You are the one I want, You are the one I want
I've been thinking of changing my mind
(It never stays the same for long)
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one
You are the one I want, You are the one I want
I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star
See I'd apologise my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far
You are the one I want, You are the one I want
I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score
'Cos I know now You are so much more than arithmetic
'Cos if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So You are the one
I want
When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung Your song
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want
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This songs ties in nicely with both the posts today. Enjoy as you listen it 'autoplay' in my blog.
I was just thinking about how much I accept who I am now...
I remember the echoes of my mum reaffirming me on MSN, just weeks ago... I could still hear her now, as I remember bits and pieces of what she said to me the other day- "There is nothing wrong with you... God has made you who you are... You must not let others affect you so much... Don't be tied down by worries-la..."
"Hmm... Nothing wrong with me, huh? I really hope so... Things have been really crazy these days and sometimes I can't help but to think that certain things happen because perhaps of me. I am not patient enough or I am overly sensitive.. or I am not this enough... that enough.. I need to work on this.. and that.. and I can't blame the other person for doing this, since I am bla bla bla... I also have troubles with this and that... Maybe if I was better in handling people.. or maybe if I talked more.. if I smile more... if I... if I.. if I... then others would accept me better and I'll be a happier person... bla bla bla..." and it never ends. Get how crazy my thoughts are? It gets on my nerves too sometimes.
As I opened up my devotional bible for women (New Living Translation Version), this page caught my eyes. Let me share it with you...
Just The Way You Are Acceptance, Spiritual Growth, Family
"The Lord has declared today that you are His people, His own special treasure, just as He promised, and that You must obey all His commands" Deuteronomy 26:18
God's people tend to suffer a lot of false guilt over sins they have already confessed and received forgiveness for. The big ones and the minor ones. Even attitudes. We long to live lives that are beyond reproach. We want to be perfect parents, perfect children, perfect friends, perfect Christians, perfect people. But we are not always empathic and forgiving. We have trouble demonstrating unconditional love. We are not always kind. Sometimes we even have temper tantrums. And sometimes we are blanketed by depression.
Why do we have all these struggle? Why is it so difficult for us to see ourselves as God sees us- on the one hand, sinners who cannot be good enough to please him; on the other hand, his beloved children, forgiven and restored? One reason, as we've discovered, is that we're preoccupied with the opinions of other people rather than with God's. We've adopted this world's standards, forgetting all that the Father has to say about us.
But as we begin to recognize and accept our standing in God's value system, we can be free from the struggle for self-esteem, the maneuvers to bolster our egos, the fight for our place in pecking order. Freedom will come when our views of ourselves don't depend on the looks, physique or intelligence we inherited, the family we were born into the size of our bank account, or even how others treat us. A general principle is: When you feel comfortable about yourself, about who you are and what you have, you can direct your focus away from yourself and towards others.
- Norma Kvindlog & Esther Lindgren Anderson
From Beyond Me (Carol Strem, III: Tyndale, 1987), 213-14
Taken from "Sanctuary: A Devotional Bible for women (NLT)"
A timely message. A perfect reminder for me. Thank you God for speaking into my situations again.
I realized that I get close to different people during different seasons this year.
I had different cliques during different seasons.
Different close circle of friends during different seasons.
Different close buddy during different seasons.
Summer... Autumn... Winter and now.. Spring.
What happened to all these friendships? Well, it's still there :)
Many things can happen and change within season.
I'm not too sure about others... but I know I've changed... my thoughts have changed.. my heart have changed... My emotions are ever-changing.. Sometimes it just drives me nuts!
I wonder whether it'll be the same for this season.. and the next and the next...
I see all these changes and wonder.. is there anything that does not change...
I'm tired of changes... I really am...
When you see so many things around you change, you just want something that is still and unchanged. Then, you'll appreciate the value of whatever that is still in your heart. I need something that is worth keeping still for... that I know I can hold on to... Something stable, consistent, unchanging.. something that remains the same, yesterday, today, tomorrow... few days later, months later.. or years later.. forever.
God is... Unchanging. Stable. The same. Consistent.
Why aren't we looking to Him... when we need stillness in our lives?
He reminds that though there are changes, and there is a need to have changes in our lives... there are somethings that stays the same. He stays the same. He reminds us through His creation.. sun rise & sun sets.. the timing for these events may change... but the sun still rises and the sun still sets, each and everyday.
Realize that these things does not matter to us when we are not still. We don't get to appreciate sun sets or sun rise if we do not sit still to just look at the horizon and wait for the time, the right timing when it actually happens... the rising and the setting. It's the same with God.. if we keep focusing on all the changes in our lives.. how can we tend to lose focus or lose our appreciation on something that is unchanging in our lives. Don't ya think so?
Why do we set our eyes on Him?
His heart and love for us remains the same. His grace and mercy never changes. Instead, it is renewed each and everyday for us.
His character never changes, though He has many many different ideas for different people, different nations, in which would make a difference to people and to work around His purposes.
He is still our God today, yesterday, tomorrow and forevermore.
He is still there... whether we want Him to be there a not.
That's the God we believe in. The One, and Only.. Unchanging God.
That though everything else in our lives seem to change... we know we can rely on something that doesn't change... Our Father in Heaven, The Lord Jesus Christ.
Last weekend was great! :)
I had a friend, who sleptover at my place about 4 days. It is so so cool! We had an awesome time together. We did lots of grocery shopping, cooking & sharing experiences.
It's my 7th month here.. and the only place in which I usually shop for food is at COLES Supermarket! Yesterday was the first time I've shopped in Central Market in China Town, with my friend assisting me. So so so cool! I can get loads of stuff from there with pretty reasonable and cheap price.
I am so glad that someone can teach me more cooking. Although she was doing all the cooking, I observed and I learned to cook different dishes within that 4 days++. I did my part by learning + washing dishes :P What dishes did I learn?
1. ABC Soup / Potato, Carrot + Chicken Soup
2. Curry Chicken + Potatoes; Fried cabbages with crabstick.jpg)
4. Kon Low, Wan Tan Meen
5. Battered Fish, Mashed Potatoes + Salad.jpg)
6. Chow Brussel Sprouts
7. Fried Spaghetti.jpg)
8. Marinated Lamb Chop + "choi sum" + Tofu
WAH!!! :) So happy! And guess what!! My appetite came back!!! Thanks to my friend's good food!!! I lost weight because I was sick.. and appetite too. My stomach wasn't as BIG as the one back home, but when she started cooking... suddenly I had more spaceee for more yummy food!~
I was very happy the past few days because we're able to enjoy each other's company!! I thank God for them :)
See la.. ini budak.. happily eating our food ni! :P Hear got good food, then only wanna visit us!!! (wanna put this pic because it's the only pic with a person + food... Should have took more pics of my girl friend and I... LOL!).jpg)
Thanks Lydia for the awesome food and serving me & BX through cooking... great stuff! Thanks BX for helping us clear up our refrigerator, helped cutting the food, washing up dishes and made friends with my friend, Lydia, my uni buddy! Hope that we can cont to enjoy one another's fellowship. Always love it when my friend meet another friend of mine!
Most of all, thanks gal for sharing your experiences, passions and thoughts. Haha! Never thought we have similar passions, desires and dreams. Bwahaha! You know what I mean, right? ;) Maybe our dream will come true in the future. Who knows? :) I hope that we're able to cont to grow in Him together and lift one another up in times of need and trouble. Cont to be strong ya! I too will be strong! And I hope that we'll be able to cont studies in the same postgraduate course and cont our journey as discipline students. Maybe we can be house mates next time, if we shift to city or smtng!
*ZzZzzzzz* Wait.. I am still in class! LIZZIE, WAKE UP!!! >.<
Sigh.. again.. dozing off in class. These days I've been distracted and really the thought of sleeping in class doesn't seem to matter to me anymore because I can hardly understand what the lecturer is talking about anyway. Yes, that goes for ALL my COURSES!!! The lecturer talks as if there is no tomorrow!
I'm in BIG trouble. It's only the 3rd week of lectures! How am I gonna survive the whole semester? Surely there is a way right? My ex-classmates who took the semester last year seem to be able to handle it well and did quite alright for your courses. Oh ya, courses here means subjects.
Sigh.. I aimed to concentrate and focus for this semester.. but my mind keep side-tracking on other things... I seem to have lots of things in my mind these days. It is so annoying!!! >.< Can't I just stop thinking for a second or something. Then again, it gets boring in there (my brain), if I do stop thinking... but sometimes, it is just too much.
I don't quite like the fact that I can't get over things easily. That emotions sway me too easily. That it is so hard for me to just focus on other things when there are other things that are bothering me. Arrrghhhh!!! Irritating-ness!
No.. my life is not falling apart. Not yet... Don't plan for it to fall apart either. I am just plain weird. I am good at pushing my thoughts/memories away.. yet, most of the time.. these stupid thoughts either keep bugging me from time to time or manifest in my emotions in which I can't identify, after a while, why am I feeling all depressed.
Sometimes I wish... life would be simpler. Why do we have to make life complicated for ourselves? Why is it so easy for people to misunderstand one another? Why is it easy to pinpoint each other's weaknesses? Why is easy for one to get hurt by words? Why does one become super overly sensitive with what another say, think or do?
Sigh.. My nonsense thoughts and worries can wait when I am in class. Lectures are more important.. then again, if I don't understand a thing, what is the point? Nvm.. I'll keep trying anyway.
Aiming for mental discipline this sem!!! XD Jia Yao, Lizzie!!!
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
Got this quote from my friend, which I thought was meaningful + true...
Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy".
Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
I realized that there are a lot of dramas in my life... and I think I brought most of the dramas in my life. I tend to over-worry too much about the things that had past and the things that hasn't even come yet. I get hooked up over the bad experiences rather than the good experiences in my life. Sometimes, I even generalize my bad experiences with one person and assume that others are the same.
When you live each day worrying and ruminating over negative thoughts and over bad experiences... taking in every word that hurts, in which people said in or about your life, whether they meant it a not... it is mentally and emotionally tiring. Know what? It is so hard to break out of these kind of mentality and focus on more important or better things and on the present times, in which you're living. Well, I know it is increadibly hard for me... I slowly lost faith and trust in people because I of the negative thoughts about myself, others as well as my distorted perception of God.
Most of the time, I tend to over-intensify or under-intensify (there are such words rite? Hope I used it in the right context) my problems or the feelings I had inside of me. Both does not help in my life. I only open up to certain people in certian period of time and the rest of the time, I prefer to just bottle it up inside... because I know how dependant I can be on the person after a while. I don't want to do that anymore.
Hmmm.. I think, from now on, I don't really want to blog so much about my 'depressed' moments or thoughts. Don't want to dwell so much in it and yet don't want to avoid it. Perhaps, I should journal those stuff in my personal diary or something. Maybe from time to time, when I am in desperate need to release, I will express it out through blog... If I think it is necessary. I realized blogging about these things may not actually help or build others. I want my blog to be a place to bless others and that somehow, God can use it so that others can learn from my experiences and I am able to learn from theirs as they comment as well.
Therefore, Lizzie doesn't want to have so much dramas in her life anymore and want to focus and more important things. Priorities gal!!! :) I really want to build up my life again.. physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. So far, pretty good.. Lots more to learn & lots more to reflect.
If I can't handle or take care of my own life... How am I gonna handle others in my job or my ministry? How am I gonna be a blessing to others and serve Him with my best? I don't want to just do it or live life for myself... for for Him and for the people He wants me to make a difference in, the people He loves.
I waited for You today
But You didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
[Chorus:]
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
[Chorus]
by Barlow Girls
When I feel desperate and I just don't know what to do anymore...
I give up...
In those times where I just don't understand, or can't comprehend what He wants to do in my life... The overwhelming thought of what can happen and what is gonna happen in your life...
I just give it up to the Lord...
Even when it is so hard to let go... of the one thing I desired for.. the thing which I thought would be the best for me..
O Lord, help me to give it up...
I felt as if I am left powerless. It is as if circumstances have forced me to give it all up...
I don't know what YOU want to do.. or what YOU have in stored for me in the future..
But now.. I am just so tired in every aspect in my life.
I don't have the energy to fight over it anymore...
My heart cried so much... trying to fight You... but.. no matter what... I can never win...
You will never cease to keep banging at my door... You will almost always whisper those words in my ears... Sometimes it is SO IRRITATING!! >.<
But You do it because You love me and You know what is best for me...
Just do what You want...
I give up... I give up my emotions/feelings.. I give up trying so hard to keep something precious in my life... I give up my fears... I give up trying to win people's heart... I give up my weaknesses and my strengths... I give up my own desires... I give it all up.
Help me to let go with delight.. to do Your will with delight. May Your words in my life, not just be laws over my life... but will be words in which I would love to follow all the days of my life with delight.. delighting in what You want me to do.. instead of following my own ways, and only do the things I understand.
It's amazing how movies can speak to you... I know it did to me...
Awesome movie... Thanks for the great lessons drawn from the movie "Evan Almighty".
"If someone prays for patience, you think God will give him the patience... or does He gives the opportunity to be patient?
If someone prays for courage and God gives Him courage... does it give the opportunity to be courageous?
If someone prays for a family to be close, you think God will give the person a warm & fuzzy feeling, or the opportunity for the person to love?"
God: "Whatever I do, I do because I love you"
Human: Why choose me?
God: You want to change the world. I want to change the world too :)
You want to change the world? One act of random kindness at a time.
A.R.K. - Act of Random Kindness!
WORK as if you don't need the money
LOVE as if nobody has hurt you
DANCE as if nobody was watching you
SING as if nobody was listening
LIVE as if this was paradise on earth
Nothing in the future will correct those moments, that you have missed in the past.
Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round
Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like Your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time
by Corrinne May
It's almost the end of the 6th month of my stay in Adelaide.
Many events happened in between... experienced both the happiness and shed some tears.
Friendships started and grew... some blossomed... while a few deteriorate... A number was mended.. but well, not all could be mended like you would like them to be.
People close to me before wasn't as close now... the people whom I met latter became closer than I could possibly imagine.
Have I changed for better or for worst? Well, I chose to lead my own path...
When one choose to lead one's path, and only want to walk it alone... it becomes very lonely. It is tiring and when you fall, no one is there to pick you up or to push you on to move when you are discouraged.
I wish I could turn back time and make things right.
Then again... without these experiences... I wouldn't have learned so many other things.
Or see many things... or realize different things about myself and others.
Sometimes those who were with you and for you, can turn away and be against you... and the ones who seemed to be against you are supporting you... It's confusing...
Why do people need to judge one another? Why can't each person give one another a chance... taking whatever impressions there are about another, putting it aside and know that there is still some goodness and hope in the person...
Dealing with people is the most tiring thing you can ever do... but people are worth it... Right? Or maybe I too have lost faith and hope in people... 'cuz no one else seem to quite understand the whole point of it. Hmm.. the worst thing is when you see your own people going against one another. Sigh...
Anyway, the path you choose now, will determine the kinda life you want to live in the future. The outcome and consequences are inevitable. What is done is cannot be undone.. but what is not done yet, can still be done correctly.
For better or for worst? I may have become 'worst' over this 6 mths... but... I want to choose to walk a better path from now on...
Winter holidays. Gettin' freaking cold here. With the temperature like this, I can't imagine in a place which snows!!! I am already wearing like 4 layers. The temperature goes down to about 10C and below at night. Wohoo!!
Anyway, I've been away for camp. Last 4 days was good! I know many people won't believe this.. but I actually went for a Chinese Youth Camp. Let me emphasize the word CHINESE! Yes, I am a chinese.. but those who know me.. I am a BANANA- One who do not know how to speak or understand Chinese language. Then, what am I doing in that camp, right?
Haha! I also wondered the same thing. What the did I get myself into? O_o
Let me show you my scary schedule... I have 4 weeks holidays right, from 27th June '07 - 22nd June '07.
29/6 - 3/7 : sick!
5/7 & 8/7 : Shoppin' (whole day out)
9/7 - 10/7 : Girls Ministry Slumber Party!
11/7 - 14/7 : Goodwood Chinese Youth Camp
15/7 : Big Bro's birthday party! =) Anime Costume Party
16/7 - 20/7 : Houseboat with 4 other friends
23rd onwards : Uni starts!
Wohoo!! Fully booked for the hols. It was scary when I looked at it at first.
Anyway, will update you guys more about camp & trips the next time.
Oh yea, I got back results for 3 of my subjects, out of 4 subjects. All Credits!!! AMAZING!!! =) Praise God! I thought I'll only get passes... I was so afraid of failing before that... Thank You, thank You!!! I'll aim to do my best for my next and last sem! =)
That's all from me... for now.
Fever... phlegm... flu... headaches.... odd stomach pains lately.
Gonna rest for the week before gettin' busy again for the hols.
Will blog more soon...
- frustrations
- disappointments
- hurts & pains
- anger & un-forgiveness
- fears
- feelings (emotions & emotionlessness)
- past, present & future
- partner-to-be
- desires, wish, hopes
- dreams, visions & prophesies
- thoughts, conduct/behavior
- unwillingness
- stubbornness
- pride
- focus
- studies (assignments & exams; semester)
- weaknesses & strengths
- securities
- impatience
- own ways
- Just myself...
Don't wanna worry anymore... don't wanna ruminate anymore.. don't wanna dwell in it anymore... don't even wanna think anymore...
Am tired... drained out... too full of myself.
I can't keep living on my own like this...
Bits of songs in my head...
I Surrender All hymn sang by Brian Littrell
"Lord, I give to You, all I ever had
And everything I was, and everything I am
And now I’m laying it down, laying at Your feet
To Your grace, to Your bow
I surrender all
Lord, I give myself to Thee
Fill me with Thy love and power
Let Thy blessing fall on me
I surrender all, I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Saviour
I surrender all"
"Help me to truly surrender FREELY!"
I've been doing it obligingly and still clinging to those things I wanna surrender. Who ever taught you to take back whatever you've given away already?
Over my head by Brian Littrell
"...I've been holding on
Now I'm letting go, just letting go
Gonna let Your love carry me away..."
Let me not carry these things upon my shoulders on my own and take these things into my own hands... Let me abandon, leave those things in Your hands, and allow me to hold unto Your love
Lead me to the cross by Brooke Fraser (Hillsong United)
"Lead me to the cross
where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
O lead me... lead me to the cross"
Clinging to the cross by Tim Hughes & Brooke Fraser
"My soul is weak, my heart is numb
I cannot seem but still my hope is found in You.
I hold on tightly, You will never let me go,
For Jesus You will never fail,
Jesus You will never fail.
Simply to the cross I cling
Letting go of all earthly things
I'm clinging to the cross
Mercy found a way for me
Hope is here as I am free
Jesus You are all I need
I'm clinging to the cross"
Why is it so damn hard to just abandon it all?
If you ask for the wrong thing, at the wrong time, God says "NO"
If you ask for the right thing, at the wrong time, God says "SLOW"
If you ask for the wrong thing, at the right time, God says "GROW"
If you ask for the right thing, at the right time, God says "GO"
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Quiet and empty, isn't it? Can't get that in PJ/KL at 10.30pm. I think here, you can lie down at the middle of the road & not get crashed.. LOL! Love the city lights at night. This was taken when I was waiting for bus to go home from the city.
Exams... exams... exams....
I finally felt nervousness 3 hrs before my 1st paper. Finally realized that I can't settle for a fail... finally realized that just passing it, is the results I can best produce.
I've been reflecting upon the sem and asking myself, what really happened.
Why couldn't I follow or concentrate in class? Why is it that I didn't have the motivation to do my best and that I am consistently drained out after assignments, from one to another? Looks like, it wasn't only my struggle, but my friends from back home seem to face something somewhat similar as what I felt. Is it a 'Malaysian' mentality thing? I hope not..
Past 2 papers was BAD!!!! Perhaps not as scary as my dream, but it was SCARY! Try staring at the paper for hours, not knowing what to write. You want to crap something up also, your mind is BLANK!!!! You've reread what you've studied like 4-5 times, and prepared points for essay, but suddenly you just lose your train of thoughts. Wohooo!! That was me!!! I could picture my answers in my mind.. as in PICTURE it!!! but i couldn't express it down in words >_< *shucks* It really was bad. I know that I can pass because of my assignments. If I can't even pass for it... lol... my results for exam is super minimal. *sigh* ok.. enough of exams... have to look forward and focus on 2 more (1 internal paper, 1 take home exam). Then, I can berMERDEKA and berHOLIDAY!!! XD Kinda looking forward to the hols. That was initially the only thing I looked forward to.
1st paper was nervous mah .. cuz first paper... mins before exam, I was excited... I was smiley.. my friends and I were singing before we entered into the hall. I started singing "Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas" or smtng... LOL!!! Winter mahh!! SO COLD somemore! and my focus was on the star the whole evening while waiting to enter into the exam hall :P Exams... was bad but it was still alright... I could still smile my way out and back. My other friends must think that I am crazy. I was so relieved that it was over. I can deal with a pass for this one.
I was extremely disappointed over myself with yesterday's paper though. I was so angry and unhappy that when I came out from the hall and waited for the bus to go to the city, I did something that I haven't done for years, since secondary school. You see I mix with couple of guy friends, was very close to them, and I picked up one of their habit... like how they would react when they were unhappy. At the other side of the bus stop, as I was blocked by it, I punched the wall a few times... Yeah, I know it's a stupid thing to do.. lol.. and yes, it hurts. That was the main point I guess. So that you can feel the pain and it can replace the other feelings inside, whether it is sadness or frustrations. Was soooo furious... >_< I somehow wished the wall was smoother though.. LOL!
I'm glad that I was supposed to meet a friend that day for dinner. If not I wouldn't know where to go. I certainly didn't wanna go back. He could see that I wasn't happy. He knows that I wasn't. My whole facial expression dropped.. I practically stuffed myself with his chocs -Maltesers-. My friend must be thinking that I'm crazy. I know he was really worried. Since, I can't cry it out.. I might as well stuff and munch on things *MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH* That was what I do when I am unhappy.. I think I tend to eat a lot... I think when I am stressed, I don't eat at all. Yepz.. that's me. I thank God for him though.. that I had a friend to comfort me at that time. It was alright after that and I had a BIG appetite for dinner, despite the amount of chocs I ate before that. Apparently, I look extremely scary when I am frustrated, angry, unhappy and displeased. Yea, not many people get to see that side of me.
So yeah.. exams O exams... Gonna focus on the 2 more papers. Nvm. CAN ONE!!!
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Welcome to Winterrr!! Yes, the grass is still green, but the trees dropped its leaves.
Temperature here ranged from 1C (lowest point, so far) - 24C (highest point, me think).
Exam is tomorroww!! Finally!!! Well, I sound excited right? 'Cuz I can't wait to finish my exams!!! I have to admit that I am ssoooo under-prepared but I really can't wait for it to be over and done with. Why can't we M'sians handle the stress, I wonder? All we can think about is the afterrr the dreadful period of exams - HoLiDaYs!!! We pass also happy already. That is how we work right now... because we are so mentally tired, super under motivated & mentally drained.
So yeah.. dat's life for me now. Can't wait for Saturday afternoon!!!
This is my timetable:-
Wed (20/6): Issues to Criminal Justice: 6.30pm - 8.30pm
Thurs (21/6): Community Wellness: 2.00pm - 4.00pm
Fri (22/6): Pass up take home exam for Forensic Psyc: 5pm
Sat (23/6): Health Psyc: 9am - 12pm
So yep yep. Waiting for Sat to come. That keeps me less moody and excited.
I do wonder, am I affected by the winter. They said u can have S.A.D. (Seasonal Affected Disorder) during winter. I know my mood have been changing a lot... I would so love to blame it all to the weather.. LOL! but.. hmmm it's not TOTALLY the weather's/season's fault. Maybe just a lil :P
We'll see soon enough :)
Hehe I know some people are bored with the lyrics in my blog.
Reason I put lyrics is a way of expressing what I'm going through as well... not just some random lyrics I love liao! =P even if it may seem so.. *haha*
Anyway, lots of things happened within the week, month or so.. Many many many.... I don't even know how to start. Have been busy with assignments.. it was CRAZY, being sick and rushing for assignments (as written in the prev posts)... my whole lifestyle.. like usual ler.. memang 'upside-down'.
I'm really sorry for neglecting people back in M'sia or even here because of my busyness. I have neglected many many people this past month. I did find myself distancing from others.. and becoming more antisocial, and perhaps only sticking to a very few peeps here. I've experienced distrust, hurt, brokenness, worriness, being afraid, doubts, craziness, falling in love, sadness, happiness, being ecstatic, being in self-denial... wow, almost everything you can possibly imagine! That's within the month itself.
Now, exam period. Seriously, I am demotivated like no one's business. I don't feel the urgency. I don't feel the need. I don't feel worried. What is wrong with me? >_< All i can think of... "I WANNA GET OVER IT!!!" I just wanna enjoy my holidays. I got myself busy again! Woohoo!! Youth camp, big bro's birthday & holiday with friends! =) Seriously crazy... the youth camp and holiday with friends were like so random! That's so me after I been here...
I thank God that I am able to express myself again... I truly was able to express all out.. and I finally could express my feelings after all. After months of feeling stuck, and emotionless or filled with emotions and wanna let it out but just couldn't.. I finally did.. For what reason? LOL! Well, there are many reasons that a gal would cry... I am so relieved that I am like any gal & human being with emotions. I have been feeling stuck for months ever since I came here. Thank You God.
I am grateful for so many things. God's faithfulness in my life. God ever ready to speak to me through sermons, prayers or people about what I am going through, confirmation again and again on what He is saying... the people (new or old) whom God sent into my life... friendships rectified.. seeing hope again in certain things... and opening my eyes to certain issues in my life, that I may or may not understand. I thank God for people He has put to support me through and encourage me to draw closer and trust Him -which is not easy for me-.
Hmmm.. there are still many things locked in my heart. Lol! Many people know me as someone optimistic, especially from back home.. but only a very free know the pessimistic part of me... Lord, please help me... Seeing things without having hope or faith, kinda sux. It is not easy to just surrender it to Him.... esp when you are so scared that you'll lose whatever you've surrendered *shucks* Trust Him.. trust Him.. trust Him.. He knows what's best.. Don't assume what He'll do in your life.. because you really don't know -note to self-
ARGH! Frustrating!!! >_< style="font-style: italic;">
"God, I surrender my thoughts, emotions and actions to you.. my future is in Your hands. Help me trust You fully.... and not be afraid..."
| Currently playing in my blog... An inspiration... Shadow Feet (Album Version) |
| Walking, stumbling On these shadow feet Toward home, a land that I've never seen I am changing Less and less asleep Made of different stuff than when I began And I have sensed it all along Now fast approaching is the day CHORUS When the world has fallen out from under me I'll be found in you, still standing When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees When time and space are through I'll be found in you There's distraction Buzzing in my head Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay But I've heard rumours of true reality Whispers of a well-lit way CHORUS Bridge You make all things new CHORUS CHORUS 2 When the world has fallen out from under me I'll be found in you, still standing Every fear and accusation under my feet When time and space are through I'll be found in you When time and space are through I'll be found in you When time and space are through I'll be found in you |
| Copyright Brooke Fraser |
| Love Is Waiting (Album Version) |
| In the autumn on the ground Between the traffic and the ordinary sounds I am thinking signs and seasons While a north wind blows through I watch as lovers pass me by Walking stories, who's and how's and why's Musing lazily on love, pondering you Let's give it time, give it space And be still for a spell When it's time to walk that way We wanna walk it well CHORUS I'll be waiting for you baby I'll be holding back the darkest night Love is waiting `til we're ready `Til it's right Love is waiting It's my caution not the cold There's no other hand that I would rather hold The climate changes, I'm singing for strangers about you Don't keep time, slow the pace Honey hold on if you can The bets are getting surer now That you're my man CHORUS Bridge I could write a million songs about the way you say my name I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again And like I can't force the sun to rise Or hasten summer's start Neither should I rush my way into your heart |
| Copyright Brooke Fraser |
Since everyone wants to know about my new handphone...
It's a Nokia E65.
*ta daahh*
Nice?
What are the features?
I know you're hurting
Feels like you're learning
'Bout life the hard way
And it ain't working
Seems like forever
That you've been falling
It's time to move on
You're life is calling, yeah
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again
[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta lift
You gotta lift
When you can feel your
Whole body's aching
What's left of your heart
It won't stop breaking
You gotta let go
You took a hit
Time to pick up now
Move on from this
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again
[CHORUS]
Cause I know how hard it can get
But you gotta lift
You gotta lift
And sometimes that's how it is
But I know you're stronger
Stronger than this
You gotta...
Lift yourself up above all the hurt
Don't give in
Wipe your eyes and remember
You're better than this
Let them know
That they took their best shot
And missed
C'mon and lift
This was never meant to be the end
Close the book and start again
[CHORUS]
Pick up now...
Pick up now...
Thanks so much, dear friend, for introducing me to this song :)
Not gonna give up, gonna pick myself up, lift His Spirit within me, leaving the past behind & moving forward...
It hasn't always been this way
I remember brighter days
Before the dark ones came
Stole my mind
Wrapped my soul in chains
Now I live among the dead
Fighting voices in my head
Hoping someone hears me crying in the night
And carries me away
Chorus:
Set me free of the chains holding me
Is anybody out there hearing me?
Set me free
Morning breaks another day
Finds me crying in the rain
All alone with my demons I am
Who is this man that comes my way?
The dark ones shriek
They scream His name
Is this the One they say will set the captives free?
Jesus, rescue me
Chorus
As the God man passes by
He looks straight through my eyes
The darkness cannot hide
Do you want to be free?
Lift your chains
I hold the key
All Power on Heaven and earth belong to me
(Repeat)
You are free
You are free
You are free
I was sure by now,
God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
