Close call

Lizzie, you clumsy, careless gal *sigh*

I was driving out of the parking lot after putting in the tix to come out of it ze place.

Low and behold, when I came out, I almost fail to see the car coming from the upper level, at my right. Thank God for drivers which actually slow down when they come down the slopes. Who knows? Malaysian drivers are crazy, such as myself.

I wanted to hit the brakes when I saw the car coming. Unfortunately, I fail to tell which was the brakes. Therefore, I hit the accelorator instead and I hit it quite hard, thinking it was the brakes. I guess it was a result of panic and perhaps, also because I lifted my leg when I wanted to hit the brakes.. who knows, maybe also because my right shoe were loose as well *hit my head*

Imagine the shock I gave my passengers and myself. Instead of stopping, I was moving forward fast. So, I quickly let go of the accelerator. Shouted my lungs out! I gave myself a heart attack. Was soooo scared. Again, thank God the car wasn't moving too fast and could hit his brakes. It would have crashed my side >_< *lizzie oh lizzie*

I was traumatized by the incident. Man oh man... I am punishing myself by not driving for 2 weeks (or at least try not to.. unless it's really important). Thinking about the incident makes me feel all tingly and scared inside. Heart will pump a lil faster than usual. Physiological reaction, I must say.

I was thinking about it and wondered if I were to 'die' then... my friend said I couldn't have had a bad accident ler cuz the other car's speed wasn't that fast, but I was thinking, if I was sent to heaven now... How am I gonna face God??? I am not ready!!!! I know, heaven is a wonderful place and all. But, I know it's not my call yet. I somehow know that I haven't fulfilled my destiny yet and His will upon me. I don't know how to explain to God the certain things that I've done in my life, that I chose to do. Also, I haven't been really close or talk to Him lately. I was afraid to stand before Him, not knowing what to say... and it'll be too late...

This got me thinking about the life I should be living... Sometimes, we all forget about the life we ought to live. There's always this small whisper in our ears "It's ok. There's still time". What if... time is not at your side anymore. You really don't know when you'll be taken away, do you? and how long? It is a scary thought.

God could have taken me away long ago, to be united with Him, when I was an infant. I had so many health problems then till my childhood years. So many near-death experiences but I was saved so many times. Is this just luck? Are those just coincidences? I don't think so. Think there is something more to all these. There's more to my life than I can ever imagine. There's more to life itself and certain things, I am not in control.

I urge you all to think about the life you're living. Are you happy? Will you be ready when your time is up? Will you be proud of the way you lived your life? Will you regret? Will you be able to face the Almighty for all the things you have done and He will hold accountable for? Do you believe in heaven? Are you living it out for what or who you believe in?

Why not think about it now.. before you are really gone.

I exercised!!!!

Yey!!! Finally exercised after a long while!!! I feel sooo happy and satisfied. Thanks bro (Jas) for taking me to Kiara Park @ Tmn Tun to exercise... really needed that. I have been eating a lot past few days, thanks to the "Makan Ministry Team"!!! But I really enjoy myself as I eat. Love the bonding sessions, love the wonderful glorious food & desserts and love the peeps. Oh boy! :)

I can't believe we went 3 rounds!!! My first time walking so much in the park. Haze is gone, air is clear... Oxygen supplies are everywhere as we were surrounded by trees. I love the environment - the waterfall and fountains at that park, it makes the place seem so pleasant. However, the lake were brown... which is.. *eeek* >_<>

I sweated and I am proud of it!!!! Woohoo! I didn't sweat too much or too lil. It's like almost perfect! Lol! XD I think some of you who read this post must think that I am crazy. I am just sooo proud as well that I was able to wake up at 7am and walk for one hour there. I love morning walks rather than evening walks. The air seem so much fresher and when the sun isn't really up yet, you can feel the cool breeze.

I hope that in Aussie, I'll get to exercise a lot more than here as well. I trust that the environment there is so much better because they really take care of the place. Also, it is so much safer in Aussie. Here, if you exercise alone, you don't know what can happen to you. However, it is always fun, going with a friend or doing it in a group :)

Am trying to live a healthier lifestyle now. Taking lil steps towards to do so. It doesn't only help in the physically sense but also mentally and emotionally. You all should try it too! :D

There's Gotta Be More to Life

The song that I've attanched to my blog is what I am currently feeling and going through right now. It has been like that for months already... Sigh.. There certainly gotta be more than life than this... this life I am living now.

Past weeks, months has been crazy, I tell you. It all started since June? Have no idea, maybe even way before. Can't recall when all the havoc started. Then, things got worst throughout the months. Occasionally, I would feel bitter and blame others for it but at the end of the day, the only person I know that causes all these things is... Me.

Sigh... Gotta wake up, get up and move on. Need to find my purpose in life again. Need to rebuild my life again. Need to hang unto the grace that God has given to me as a gift for us. Need to search deeper within me and face the devil within. Need to be still on my own and be focused on my goals. Need to think realistically and start being responsibile of my own life.

I need to dream dreams once again. Dreams that are bigger than me. Dreams that was inspired by Him. Dreams which brings new hope, life, joy, and purpose. Dreams that would hang unto God's promises and His destiny for me.

There's gotta me more to life than what it is now...

End Year Break

I'll finally get my long break/holiday! Woohoo! It'll be from early Nov till mid Feb.
This is after I end my contract. I've been working for 6 months. Unbelievable. I am surprised myself.
Thanks to my parents who pushed me to go for the job and stick to the job till the end.
I wouldn't have persevered till today if it wasn't for them.

The job really taught me to be patient and to push myself to do things which I may not feel like doing or like to do. It can be tiring and draining. Not because I have lots of work to do, but because I don't have much that I can really do there. I was sooo soo happy that they gave me the green light to end it off by early Nov. They wanted me to stay on till end of Nov. I'll go bonkers if I stayed that long. Not that the place is really awful or terrible. People there are nice & friendly, environment is really relaxing, the pay is good... but I really needed a break.

I really can't wait for my break to start. I do have a list of things I want to do. However, Nov would be like my 'hibernation" month. Dec and Jan would be 2 crazy, exciting months for me. I'm gonna enjoy myself before I leave to Aussie.

I was thinking about my life past few days... and how it has been. I really feel like seperating myself from the world and take the time to just reflect and perhaps figure things out. There's so many things going on in my mind, yet I don't have the time to actually think much about it. Perhaps I'm afraid. One thing about me is that, I can hardly survive without having any activities in my life or having people around me. I can hardly sit still during sermons or sitting in for any long talks now. I'll fidget... my concentration will decrease... I have problem trying to remember what was is my mind before that... etc.

Also, I realized I've been soo depedent on people, that I'm really afraid that I can't survive in Aus. I'll always need someone's company or seek someoen to talk to every day. Soon I realized that my friendship with them changes over time as well. To something good? Don't think so. I feel far away from many that was once close to me. Perhaps, when I begin to know a person, I start opening up my life and sharing my life stories. After that, I'll be left empty... and I don't know what else to share already. Too open to people perhaps? Sometimes, I even create unnecessary trouble for myself >_<

These questions ponders within me so often. Too many questions at times..
"What am I really living for? What is my passion? Am I really significant at all here? What am I suppose to do here???!! What's the point of living when there is no joy of living life? Who am I living for? Am I really living for the One who I am supposed to be living for?"

So frustrating at times >_< Nevermind, I'll keep finding the answers anyway and pray that I will not give up.

Clueless

So many things have happened since I’ve updated the last post. My office line is down, so it’s like really quiet here and because of that, many people won’t see me online as often as I used to as well. Hehe I guess it’s a really good thing because I get to control my ‘net’ addiction. I’ve been in and out of home, so usually I’ll come online really late at night and just for a while, or I’ll stone for the whole day in office (which is not good-la). Also, feeling unwell for the past few nights (I say nights because I got better in the morning and afternoon, miraculously) helped me distant myself from going online for too long during the nights.

Things seem so complicating when you keep thinking about it, though it only has a simple reason. The only time it becomes extremely complicating is when you keep dwelling and have that thought lingering around as we so often try so hard to reason it out ourselves in our minds, even when some has it’s reasons stated or obviously shown already.

I was feeling ‘kinda’ confused the past few days… ok, maybe months-la. Things happened and I didn’t really understand why. Or perhaps, vice versa, things didn’t happen when I thought it was suppose to take place. There was not much explanation on how or why it happened. Perhaps, I’ve already had those simple reasons but it wasn’t enough to give me peace and not enough for me to understand the fuller picture.

Now, I have 2 things off my burdened back. I am thankful. I wonder why it took so long for me to let go. I guess I just needed an honest answer and explanation that I could really register into my mind (simple enough for me to understand, without all the fancy words) and move on with life. LOL.

Those few months, I regretted so many things that had happened before. Yes, tainted past, the hurts… but now as I think back, it ain’t that bad. I really learnt a lot of things about myself. It made me reflect a lot more, made me think a lot more about my own actions and consequences. Some painful memories but, I guess, something good can come out from it, if we are willing to open our eyes and heart to learn from those experience.

I hope to be more confident now as a person; the way I live my life and the way I carry myself out. My friend asked me how am I and I honestly told him that it has been tough and I have personal struggles to face, but I didn’t tell him in detailed what was it. He didn’t press on to get out more information from me, but he said this “I think you’re going to have a breakthrough soon”. I replied, “I think so too”. I really hope so… and I should be putting my trust in God for that. I really need one in my life.

In the midst of confusion and doubts, I won’t say that my relationship with God is ‘perfecto’. I’ve strayed and am trying to draw near to Him again. His words doesn’t speak much to me as much as it used to… but I don’t want to give up because I know there’s something more to life than what it is now. I don’t want to give up because I know there is something more out there than just ‘me’ here. I don’t want to give up because I know everything is not going to be worth it but one thing is because it’s lasting. Because of that reason, everything will be worth it, not just for me but someone beyond my comprehension, beyond my understanding.

Often in this crazy world, we forget who is in control. I admire my friends whom I can see, still pressing on and continually holding on to the faith and His word, His integrity, His purpose… still sane from all the things that happened. I love to hear from them, as they share their experiences and how when things gets tough, they hold unto God even tighter and praise God for strength, perseverance and what they have learnt through all the crappiness they may have been through. Perhaps just 10 or even 5 minutes, spending time, just hearing from them or one person even, gives me hope again. I see glimpse hope every time I hear all these testimonies and the simplest things that He did in their lives and how they’ve hanged on, in their faith in Him. A reminder that God is still there… through it all.

Remember the plan?

Remember the plan I mentioned about... the ones about me and my gals?
Ze "Pampering Self" case...

Lolz... No, I didn't get to do facial, manicure/pedicure, straighten my hair and had a total change of fashion.

Why not? It was kinda over the budget. So, we went for the cheaper way of pampering ourselves! *lol*

We did ShOpPiNgZ and KaRaOke-iNg!!!

It was fun!!! Now, I know where to get good and cheap make up sets.
Eg.
For eye shadows & nail polish go to Sasa
For lipsticks, powder, consealer & nail polish... go to Maybelline

My mind got blown off when I heard that consealer cost about RM 80 - 90 in Steila.
I am not a frequent shopper, so I don't know, you see. What more on make-up sets which I hardly get?
My friend brought me to Maybelline and it's only 19.90 bucks!
What a wide price gap!!!

I got a top, skirt and flower pin for the wedding. All in white except the flower pin - in pink.
Friends said I can even wear it for prom! *lolz* Perhaps, I will if I am going. Better still. No need to spend for prom!
Thanks gals! Couldn't have chosen ze perfect outfit without you gals!

We sang the craziest songs. My bestbud have the best voice ever. Luv it!!!
However, the karaoke place that we went didn't have many songs though and we could only use the place for 2 hours.

Oh, I've also learnt that.. when you wash your face with cleanser, you have to use toner and mosturizer after that, to prevent dirt from going into your pores again. *lolz*
I think my face looks so much clearer after following those steps more consistently =)
Am glad! Don't ask, how come I don't know as a girl, ok. I just didn't.
I thought mosturizer makes me skin oily and I shouldn't use it.
Previously, I only used it when I put make up on as the base or if I am in Aus, and had dry skin.

So, yeah... I believe that you can pamper yourselves in the simplest ways, esp when you're with your hnaging out with ya gal-friends.

Hey, but I haven't forgotten the ultimate pampering plan. It's just postponed to much much much later when I have such money to spend on and time at my side. That's all! =P

Stoning Away...

Monday mornings... wait.. it's not just the monday mornings.. Almost every morning when I reluctantly wake up for work, I know that I'm gonna begin the day by stoning. Now, here I am in the office, stoning as I stare at the computer....

*waiting... waiting... processing....*

"What am I doing? What am I thinking? What am I staring at?" At times, I really have no idea... I just space out.

This is the result of LACK OF SLEEP!!!! or TOO MUCH SLEEP!!

As for mua, I don't get enough sleep.. But yest, I slept for about 11 hours (not in one shot). I slept from 5.30pm - 10pm and later again at 2.30am - 8.20am.

Body was super tired.. When dad asked me whether I wanted to follow them for dinner, I can't even get up. My eyes could hardly open.. when I answered, I have no idea what came out of my mouth. My voice was muffled. My body was too tired, it was as if, I was pinned unto my bed. It's became sooo heavy, that I can't get myself to do anything else or respond much for that matter.

This morning, I'm wondering whether I have enough sleep... 11 hours seems a lot (when you add up)! but cuz I slept will the afternoon "nap" count? Each day, I get about 5 - 6 hours a day of sleep. Sometimes, even 4 hours only. Well, this is excluding the many times I've dozed off during work or taking a naps 5 mins nap in-between; before, during or after lunch time.

I just want to hibernate! Like the you know those fury animals... when it's winter, they'll have this hibernation period until the season is over. I really gotta take a month off or something. No, not to sleep for a month, but to rest and be recharged physically, to be renewed mentally and refreshed spiritually. November is a great month to do so... because in December I know that I'll be busy with camps, holidays, shopping and catching up with friends before I leave to Aus. In Jan, I'll be preparing for Aus already and off I'll go by the end of the month...

That's fast, huh?

That's why I can't waste my time stoning away and allowing the time and days pass by me, and suddenly realize.. it's all gone... it's all.. gone.. and what have I been doing... I was.. Stoning away....

Say Goodbye

Currently, feeling a lil emo... LOLz!
Luv this song...

"Say Goodbye" (duet by Jordan Knight & Deborah Gibson)

Jordan
Yeah I've been so lost lately
I don't really understand baby
Where did I go wrong
I wanna talk to you
Please call

Deborah
Where do I begin with you
After all that we've been through
I don't think that it would be right
if we got together so suddenly

Jordan
I wish that I could take back all the things that I said
and replace them with simply I love you instead

CHORUS:

Deborah

You don't wanna say goodbye

But you never really seem like you wanna try

Jordan

But I only wanted you to stay then I let you just slip away

Deborah

If you didn't listen to your heart inside

Then it really doesn't matter what was on your mind

And if you need me, then tell me why

Jordan

Girl, I never meant to say goodbye Mmm Oh yeah

Jordan
I think about the past baby
Why we couldn't make it last, lady
I know you still have doubts
But I'm gonna prove that we can work things out

Deborah
I wanna be sure that you
Know what you put me through
And reveal that you intend to never let me down again

Jordan
It's clear to me and I can't ignore that
I have to give you something I couldn't before

-CHORUS-

Bridge:-
Deborah: I didn't think that we would come to this
Jordan: Ooh, no Your eyes, your face, your smile is what I miss
Deborah: Why'd you wait so long to take me back
Deborah & Jordan: It's all a simple misunderstanding

-CHORUS 2x-

I am more...

• independent
• shy
• un-friendly
• paranoid
• tense
• observant
• analytical
• doubtful
• busy
• aware
• vain
• cheeky
• straight-forward/frank
• sarcastic
• un-smiley
• rounder
• doubtful of my gut feeling
• (less) of a conversationalist
• (less) patient
• (less) sensitive to others
• reliable
• 'kan chiong' - worried
• (less) focused
• (less) discipline
• overcomed my laziness..............

..... compared to my teenage years.

The list goes on man.

Pampered Self

Oh man, I can't wait to hang out with my gals!!!
I am sooo up to pamparing myself for one day...
eg. facial, manicure, doing my hair, shopping!

Okie okie.. I wasn't like this before.
I wasn't really the shopping type. I only go shopping like twice a year or something.
But, I really really need some new clothes now and a good fashion advice from my galfriends!

I did manicure like twice before. It's nothing much really.
You just feel relaxed and feel good ya know when someone is doing your nails for ya.. looking good with those nicely cut and painted nails.

Ahh! I can't wait to change the style of my hair! To just try out something new.
My hair can't really do much until I straighten it.. but I think I have to wait till end of the year to do that!!
So long!! I still wanna highlight my hair or something.

I've never done facial before.
Heck, I don't even wear make up when I go out!
I just want them to clean my pores, get rid of those irritating pimples/acnes & blackheads.
I still don't understand how others can get such smooth and flawless skin, but I'm gonna find out soon!

I really really need to start exercising. I am getting rounder each day.
I don't think it's because I eat way a lot.. I eat more junkfood/unhealthy food, perhaps and I lack exercise.
I seriously need to keep fit and hopefully turn my fats into muscles! *haha* Tone it, man!
Also, a healthier lifestyle liao!

I've always said that I want these changes. I've even blogged bout it few months ago! And I still haven't done it yet. Some parts of me, am afraid of the changes cuz I've never been this... I don't know.. pampered with myself? or girly before (in a way)? I mean, I don't do these stuff.

I would often wonder what would people think of me if I changed.
Eg. Do they even know that I have such desires in my heart? Am I not suppose to have these desires? Hide it? What if they don't like the "new me"? What if they find me a total changed person and want the old me back? What if lizzie don't look like the ol goody-goody 2 shoes anymore or the sweet cute-face gal, and they will create this really bad impression of me instead? I mean impressions can be before really knowing the person, rite? What if... what if?

Haha sounds as if... it's a sin to try to look good, pamper myself or beautify myself. Lol! And it's not like I do it so often that I blow my money away for it. These are the questions that kinda make me chicken out last minute, and the awkwardness I feel when I want to look good or beautiful outwardly, but feel a lil ashamed inside. I do wonder, did I vanquish those desires because of all the questions in my thoughts that tells me... Also statements like...

It's not worth ya money, you're just blowing it away. You may create too much attention to yourself, which will cause embarrassment and more problems. How bout, new friends coming because of your looks and old ones leave because you don't seem to be the same. Come on.. you can't do it. Your parents will think that you're nuts! There sure would be negative comments from others about it and comparision made.. I can assure you!

These kinda thoughts really are a pain in the ass, because they surpressed my desire to be feminine and to explore more bout myself and my identity.

I really wanna try it out someday, and I just gotta or my desire would kill me on the inside. I just want to be confident as a girl in the inside of the outside! And I really hope that I can try it out with my galfriends (before one of them leaves to UK and the other to Aus).

Am I ready for the change? I don't know. But I sure like to find out.

P/S Some people may think that I worry too much or am paranoid. But these are experiences and comments I get from people from the past, that sort of "made me who I am" or "the way I think".

CG Retreat Rox Part 2 (Cont.)

3rd Day...
We woke up at 9.30am. Got ready, makan, packed up our things. Can't believe it happened so fast. We have to vacate the room by 12pm (suppose to la but we were half an hour late). We had a worship session before we went off and settled some money issues such as food, accomodation and transportation. Oh man, such a headache trying to remember sort out the money. I am really poor in my maths now. I hardly use it in my course. I do la just not that often and we had calculators or computer to count for ya. See how lazy our minds can get as we depend so much on technology equipments.

So far, the response about the retreat was good :) many of us wished it was longer. I do too. The most unsatisfactory factor was the lunch we had in First World. Other than that, it was a-o-kay! ;) We had good time and wonderful time of knowing one another as we bonded.

Goals achieved:

• Bonding
• Openness - you'll see the true unique colors of each of them!
• Fun-ness
• We included God into our sessions & fun-ness
• Spiritual knowledge/food
• Exposed to knowledge about uniqueness of God's creation/life
• Expended our knowledge about some mind-blowing facts/myths in the museum

My own learning experience:

• Being responsibleBeing firm in certain areas
• Leading a group for this event
• Independance
• Making decisions
• Overcoming my fear
• Reflection
• Chill and relax
• Appreciate nature/God's creation
• Knowing or understanding myself more as well as others
• Reconnecting with God
  

Cell Retreat Rox!

My cell and I went for a Genting trip last weekend. Wow! Came back yesterday evening, I slept like a baby from 5pm+ to 9.30pm >_< It was awesome~!

1st Day...
We reached there about 9.30pm? Really late, right? That was because we left at 7pm from KL Sentral and had to wait for different busses to take us to the apartment - Awana. The unit was great! We had a small kitchen, hall was big enough for all of us.. and comfortable room. Awesome! It can fit 9 of us. Cool, eh?

The night itself after reaching the place, we asked our fav personal chef (one of our own peeps) to prepare supper for us. Tasty~Yummy~ We had a wonderful balcony which became my 'sanctuary'. I love that balcony.. just staring out at the greenary and the sky. Awesome-ness. I spent most of my time there either alone or talking with a number of my cell members there.

You know being teens/young adults, when we are gathered together we won't sleep early. Who goes to camp and sleep early, man? We spent time singing songs (Christian & Secular). We can identify the potential singers, guitar players and crazy ones! *haha* After that some of us played card games - 'Chor Tai Di' - no gambling la. Just for funz! Also, we played Mafia. One member was bullied and picked on like crazy. Man, I think our unit was producing sound polution. Thank God, we didn't have any complaints from the neighbours. Maybe there weren't any around! I had to remind them to tone down their voices from time to time. Crazily, we stayed up till 3am+.


2nd Day...
Surprisingly, the guys woke up first!!! and they woke up about 7.30am!!! Oh my gosh... O_o I thought guys tend to over-sleep most of the time, like piggies. I guess, I underestimated them. *haha* we had great breakfast from 2 chefs this time =) Later, we did devotion and a member of mine, pop questions about the passage he read - "The Coming of Jesus Christ" and "Idleness". Basically, we were discussing about the whole book of 2nd Timothy. It was a good discussion as we try to understand the passage better in its context.

After that we listened to a sermon my friend brought by Ps Kong Hee from City Harvest Church on Marketplace Transformation. He spoke a lot about being out in the world rather than hiding ourselves within the confined walls of the church and making Christ known in the things you do, the work of your hands and the daily decision you make in your workplace. He focused on how we should work towards excellence in our work and from there, how we can actually bring transformation in the society. So then, we try to relate it to our student life in college and universities. How are we to bring transformation there and make a difference? We had a short discussion about the sermon and some of us didn't agree 100% of what he said but we understood the main focus of his message and agreed that there is a need for transformation and impact in our soceity.

Later in the afternoon, we went up to First World Plaza to 'makan'. Oh man, almost all of us were unsatisfied with our lunch. It was superb expensive & tasteless!!! >_<

We went to the outdoor ThemePark. I was extremely tense and sooo afraid to sit on the rides. Pretty freaked out. Not that I haven’t sat on it before, just the experience itself, makes me feel extremely nervous, scared… as if there were butterflies in my stomach. Almost felt like purging my food out when I see the rides. Argh! >_<>

I was sooo tense and was trembling with fear, from the start till the end, even when the ride was slowing down. I have no idea why, when I sit for these kind of rides, there would be some amount of tears collected around my eyes. “Go-Kart” was slow but I pretty much enjoyed the ride. The air was fresh and I got to just chill as I drive. I tried to compete with my one of my members, but he blocked my way when he overtake me! Not fair!!! =P Some of my members went on sitting for more rides but the rest of us was dead tired and once of those rides were enough for me.

For dinner, we vowed not to go back to the same place to eat. Instead, we went to eat fast-food, KFC there. It's more expensive there as well. I think the amount of money we spend on food cost a bomb. We were really behind time (acc. to my schedule),but I had to bring them to "Ripley's Believe It A Not" Museum. People who go to Genting have to visit it. Seriously! It's worth your money. Only RM18. My whole cell members really enjoyed it! By the time, we came out and reached back to our apartment it was about 11.30pm.

I had a sharing session that was supposed to happen, but I thought perhaps they are mentally tired ya know. So, I just let them chill for the night after being out the whole day. Guess what? Some of them were still hyper! We were singing again like the previous night, playing 'Mafia' as well as bullying one of my cell member (he was the target) and playing cards.

As for me, instead of playing cards, I had a great time chilling at the balcony with some of my members/friends. A lil cold at the wee hours in the morning, but great place to be. I call it my 'sanctuary'. That is the place where I talk to God, poured out my worries and concerns to Him, spent time with my devotion, actually wrote something in my travel-diary and just enjoy the greenary as I reflect upon life. I also, get to know more about my friends as I talked to them personally or in a group.

Most of us slept at 5am that morning.

To be cont...

Food for Thought

"Days passes by quicker than I thought
Or am I passing by quicker than those days?"

Baby Blues

*Eeeeee!* sooo cuteee!!! *pinch babies cheeks*

I love "Baby Blues" comic ;)
Zoe, Hammie and and.. and... I forgot the 3rd child's name.

But they are sooo cute!
I 'pinjam-ed' the comic from a friend of mine who came back from Ukraine for hols.

Oh man... this comic strips make me feel like having my own family!
I wanted to name my daughter Zoe as well..

I found out a couple of years ago that Zoe means "life"
The name was inspired by Christian contemporary music group called "ZoeGirls".
I liked the name Zoe because it was unique and it started with the letter "Z" which was not commonly used.
and the he alphabet "Y" in the middle of the name.

I thought of a couple of names for my children before...
Eg. Caitlyn, Kaylie, Kaylee... (I have a list.. ufnortunately, I don't have it with me now).

I plan to have max 4 kids only la.. more than that, I prefer not..

Unless of course, God wants to bless me with even more *haha* =P

When something unexpected comes up

Things that has happened the past few days really surprised me.
Beyond my imagination *blows my mind off*
It's so wierd when something can happen... somewhere around you, you are involved in something without your own knowledge.
It's wierd.. O_o
I still don't understand why, or what really really happened.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry... It's mind boggling. My gosh...

But I'm glad that it is kinda off my chest :)
After much thinking and feeling discouraged, maybe dwelled in self-pity for a while... as well as reflecting upon my life,
God showed me a different perspective on how I should respond.
*Thanks Father -hugz-* I'm surprised I can ever come up with such idea.

I hope a new beginning will give birth through this...
A renewed hope...
It is also a test of mercy and forgiveness.

Stocking - up

What do I have on my desk?
- Nestle Milo Nuggets
- Rocky Strawberry Flavour
- Chipsmore (Regular)
- Frozz Cherry Mint
- Mentos Sour Mix
- Tic Tac Lemon Mint

I really mean it when I say I eat to keep me alert in the office ;p

Random updates

Holiday
I would like to share with ya all about the camp I went.
Unfortunately, I don't have much time to blog about.
I know if I did, it'll be a long post.
So, let's just postpone that till end of this week k.
I have many exciting stories from there to tell =)

Schedule
Just realized that I have my schedule booked almost each and everyday.
It's either I'm going out or people coming over.
It's crazy, I tell you! How did I get this busy?
Okay ler, maybe not busy busy like work busy..
well, I am busy with work in the morning till evening..
But at night, it's more of meeting up people, going for meetings etc.
Need to C.H.I.L.L. with myself and with God more.

Food
Oh yeah, I am becoming a sweet tooth fella >_<
I don't really like taking too much sweets, but when I started working, I have to have at least a sweet a day...
Actually, I take more than that.
It's to keep me awake and 'active' in my mind.
I really hope my teeth won't fall out when I get old.
I am even eating more junkfood and 'nasi lemak'.
Gosh!!! Becoming unhealthy.
The junkfood comes in when I am bored or just finished work (why? I don't know)
Nasi lemak usually for breakfast.
I have cravings for that particular Malaysian food in the mornings, though it makes my stomach uncomfortable most of the time after that.
Then, soon before lunch, I'll feel sleepy... After lunch as well.. *sigh*

Sleep/Doze off
My sleeping habit got a bit better.
From 3 - 4ams in the morning, I sleep about 12.30 or latest 1.30am now.
Improvement! *yey!*
I have a really bad habit... I tend to fall asleep in my workplace
(while downloading resumes, half way typing - reformatting resumes etc.) Odd no?
Many contributing factors:
- not enough sleep during the night before
- slouching
- breakfast/too much chybohydrate (nasi lemak)
- reading too many words (resumes)

I realized that posture is very important for one to keep awake.
If I slouch, I tend to feel sleepier and soon doze off.
If I sit up straight, I am able to focus more what I am doing.
Then again, my body gets tired after a while, if I sit up straight for too long.

Can't wait to update about camp and more :)

My Five Factor Personality Profile

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Control over ourselves?

After washing my face this morning, I looked in the mirror..

"Oh my gosh!!!" O_O >_<>

I looked as if I've been punched in the eyes or something *ok-la, a bit exaggerated*
It didn't look that bad when I have my specs on but when I took it off... oh dear.

There are dark rings around my eye... I am quite lethargic these few days.
Haven't have enough sleep.. A few times, I just can't sleep till past 3am or so. It's nuts.

Food intake, getting little and little.. day-by-day.
Wonder whether is it because I am getting bored of the food, or my stomach just got smaller?
Oddly, I don't feel as hungry as I used to, when I take such small amount of food each day.
I don't think that I psyced myself thinking that I am fat, though I would love to be thin and just right.

It's odd how our biological clock works.

Some people say that I am a happy-go-lucky person.. at times laid back. Those who really know me, I tend to worry a lot and get tensed up quite easily. You can see it through the way I handle things at times, or when I plan. I am always in a rush. Those close to me would know 'cause they would be the victims when I talk to them about it. They would have to keep asking me to calm down.. to relax... to not be too worried about these lil things in life.

My friend asked once "Do you feel lonely?" At first, I do not know how to answer that. Come to think about it, I do not feel that as often as I do last time. Why? Because I've been running around like a maniac from one activity to another and kept myself busy.. I dont' really have the time to think whether I am lonely. Which is good at my part, but in a long run, I think I may just breakdown and crash or something. If I really look deeper into my soul, perhaps I do feel lonely... or rather afraid that I'll feel lonely.

Symptoms:
- Aggitated when I have nothing to do.
- Am clueless on what I should do.
- Get a bit worried & tense for having nothing to do.
- Do not know how to relax or do something I really enjoy.
- Hardly had the time to just rest.

Do I bombared myself with these activities unconciously to avoid thinking about how lonely I could be or because I just really like to do these things and love to help around? If I do really want to serve also, I better do it wisely, because at the end of the day, I'll be tiring myself out, either knowing the purpose of what I do and how I live each day, or still clueless about it.

I know that I am standing on dangerous grounds if I do not reflect upon my life, the way I live and search deeper of why I do certain things. But at the same time... I think I am afraid. I am afraid of letting my mind wander about, letting my emotions go loose and it becomes uncontrollable.

Can that ever happen? Is it possible to not having control over what you think of and your feelings? I believe that you can control it if you really really want to, at the same time, it is really hard to do so. Afterall, God gave us a choice. He didn't make us robots that we have no control of our lives at all. Yes, God is in control of everything around us, but ultimately we are responsible for our own decisions and actions. We are given the stewardship to choose how we want to live, in this lifetime.

When I worry, my friend/leader told me before that I should not think too much, or my mind will play tricks on me. As a psychology student, I know that the mind is a powerful thing that God has made, and no one can fully understand it. You can see through the various the perspectives or theories that humans came up with to understand human behavior. I also asked before "Have you ever felt afraid for falling in love with someone?" She answered she doesn't like it when someone uses the word 'falling in love'. The statement sounds as if there is no control over your feelings and actions. Therefore, it seems like you don't have to take responsibility over it.. cause it's beyond your capability or what you can choose to do.

What I've learnt is if I really did 'fall' for someone, I am able to choose on what I want to do about it, even if it seem so feel hard to control my feelings. If my mind think too much about unimportant, unhealthy facts that could be destructive to my life, I can at least try to stop thinking about it or do something that would help to not think too much about it - like having all those activities. That doesn't give me the excuse to avoid reflecting upon what is important, just because I do not want to face it. I can choose to sleep early and eat properly. I have control over my own body... and what I want to do. So, I should take control and be a steward of my the life that God has given to me.

Life and choices are afterall, a gift from God to us...

I miss...

I wanna share so many things... but now I can't remember it all...
I miss so many things...

I miss blogging like I used to.
I miss expressing myself thru music and writing.
I miss dancing freely when I was a lil kid.
I miss making encouragement notes/cards for people I care for.
I miss my friends who are seem to be closeby but seem so afar at the same time.
I miss the times when I knew how to relax.
I miss going to places, looking at the city lights and being mesmorized by it.
I miss hanging out with a person that I thought was special to me and I was special to him.
I miss chillinz with my friends and talk about random things in life.
I miss studying in college and doing research (can't believe it!).
I miss the people I've just met and wish that I can know them better.
I miss being the shy girl that hides behind her friends.
I miss being a good listener and being there for my friends who are in need.
I miss the peeps whom I used to exchange letters with in sec schools.
I miss the times when my parents and uncle use to swing me around in their arms.
I miss the times treating my grandma's dress as a swing.. Swinging in between her legs as I sit on her dress, the bottom part there *haha*
I miss being the adventurer in my dreams.
I miss dressing up during special occasions.
I miss the times when I was soo willing to lend a hand to a friend.
I miss wishing for a guy to sweep me off my feet.
I miss having a soft/gentle heart and yet being strong willed about what I believed in.
I miss enjoying the songs I play.
I miss having a hobby.
I miss just talking with a friend for hours on the phone.
I miss really caring about someone so much that I won't get tired of it.
I miss carrying the hope in me, not giving up in a person.
I miss the optimistic me.
I miss being different not because I am cute.
I miss being truly innocent.
I miss being special to someone.
I miss the times when I just ran into my Heavenly Father's arms.
I miss being a princess in His eyes and believing, knowing that I really am.
I miss the times when I can really talk.
I miss the times when I am facinated by lil things in life.
I miss keeping with me those sweet memories I have with my friends.
I miss just being the lil girl and leave behind the worries of the world...

I miss... I miss.... I miss....