When there was you and me

It's funny when you find yourself looking from outside
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend, that I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star that's coming true
But everyone else could tell
That I confused my feelingswith the truth
When there was you and me

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled you made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on the star just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I like the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe I could be so blind
It's like you were floating while I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you...

-Vanessa Ann Hudgens in "High School Musical"-

Breaking Free

I love Disney songs. This is an inspirational song from a new movie "High School Musical".

Breaking Free

We're soaring, flying,
There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
If we trying, so we're breaking free

You know the world can see us
In a way that's different than who we are
Creating space between us till we're seperate hearts

But in faith it gives me strength
Strength to believe

We're breaking free!

CHORUS #1
We're soaring, flyin'
There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
If we're trying, so yeah we're breaking free
Oh, we're breaking free

Can you feel it building
Like a wave the ocean just can't control
Connected by your feelings
ooh, in your very souls

Rising 'til it lifts us up
So everyone can see

We're breaking free!

CHORUS #2
We're soaring, flyin'
There's not a star in heaven that we can reach
If we're trying, yeah, breaking free
Oooh runnin', climbin'
To get that place to be all that we can be
Now's the time we're breaking free
We're breaking free...

More than hope, more than faith
This is true, this is fate
and together we'll see it coming
More than you, more than me
Not a want but a need
Both of us breakin' free

CHORUS #3
Soaring, flyin'
There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
If we're trying, so we're breaking free
Runnin', climbin',
To get that place to be all that we can be
Now's the time we're breaking free
Oohhh, we're breaking free..

You know the world can see us
In a way that's different than who we are

News on Lizzie's job update...

I felt as if it has been months since I've updated... well, it sorta kinda a month, since I've updated already. I guess is the 'working' feeling inside of me. Seem that everything passed by so fast.. Well, 'cause on weekdays, I do want the mins, hours, days and week to pass by as soon as possible. Now, I do understand the stuggles of work and why people do not seem to enjoy it or seem sooo tired after the long day. Well, I'm still new to it. There would be more struggles and problems if I am working longer, such as politic issues in the office etc, which I haven't experienced yet.

After this coming week, I have 2 weeks left in my workplace, before my contract is over. That was what I thought, a week ago... until my mum told me that I should extend my contract and we did. They agreed, since they needed someone to help out at the administration work. The person doing admin now is going to leave soon. Oh man.. I know nuts about admin work! Have to learn I guess. Should be quite fun. I'll be doing both recruitment and admin work next month. Also, if they need me back at old place to manage the problems of their updated application programes there, I'll be there too. 3 jobs in a month. Cool, rite? It's not confirmed yet ler actually. I was quite excited because I thought I would have a week break before I start working again. That means rest and I am able to hang out with my friends who is coming back from UK & Aus... but since the contract is extended, I only have 1 day leave for the month. It's okay. I'm beginning to get used to the job now.

I wanted to have an exposure in Kindergarten but I don't think that I can learn much from there. I definately can't be a kindy teacher. You'll need to go through some sort of training first, which will take months before you are qualified. Perhaps as caretakers, it won't be a problem. I thought working in hospitals would be good too, but I don't think I can find much jobs of psychologist clinics around M'sia. So, I'll most likely go into Human Resource, hopefully.

Working in my current job now is okay la. I've learnt to look at resumes and understand them, esp some of the IT-terms. Interesting.. sometimes I dream about those terms because I read them too much already. I get to differentiate between different jobs and the experiences they hold, not only the skills they possess. I learnt to mix with working people... though it was pretty hard for me, because most of my colleagues speaks in Mandarin and I do not understand at all. I learnt to call and talk or interview them about their current jobs and skillsets as well as experiences. They are sooo much older than me. The youngest, is about 23 - 24 years old.

It is kinda scary at first, to call strangers and talk to them. Some seem comfortable to talk and converse with me and I make sure that when call them, I would thank them. Also, in my e-mails, I would thank them for their time and end it with "Have a great week".

It is tiring and I have this lazy nature in me but I want to make the best out of my working days because that is what God would want us to do. I learnt to enjoy my work and no need so malu/embarresed to do things like calling people! "Just do it, gal! Won't die one. What is the worst that could happen?" That is what I always tell myself when I don't feel like doing something cuz it's out of my comfort zone or what I'm used to.

So that's my job update.

Recruitment

Remember I mentioned that I was working, doing testing application programme. 1 month has passed, and now I am doing recruitment! No, no.. I wasn't fired... I kinda finished doing my part in the customer's place (BSN) already. So, since I don't have much to do there, they shifted me back to the main office help out in recruitment instead. At first, the thought of doing recruitment really stimulated my mind. I was soooooo excited. You see, next year, I decided that I would specialize in Industrial/Organizational Psychology. So this area of work is sooo much relevant to me, compared to the testing progs work. Don't get me wrong, I like working at BSN as a tester. It was a new experience (IT line), facinating, interesting, routine (I know what to do) , flexiblebut soon I got extremely bored, cuz there weren't much for me to do there after the 3rd week.

Working in the main office doing recruitment now. Oh man, never thought it can be tiring. Tiring not because I needed to run around... Tiring because my job requires me to sit for 8 hours, staring at CVs and resumes and searching for potential candidates that would fit the job requirement. I was asked to interview the person on the phone as well, but I know that I am not ready because I know nuts about IT hardware, softwares; what the job is about or what does the company really do. Even head says it's a bit hard for me but I will have to use my discernment to do so... this involves Pscyhology as well ya know. Well, he can see that I wasn't ready and I was quite reluctant. Perhaps I shall do more research first before I make myself available to help in interviewing people. Just not now yet... *feel sorry though*. I mean, I have to understand what am I offering the candidates before I can talk to them rite? And if I need to get them to be in the company, I need to tell them what is it all about.. am I right?

Yeah.. so many things to learn. I felt so uncomfortable the past few days. Now, getting used to it. Thank God for giving me the peace and patience. Yesterday was terrible for me as I was trying my best to stay awake while reading the CVs. Today was a success, as I bugged God to provide me with strength. Yes, I used the word 'bugged' =P

I pray that i will learn to enjoy my job and step out in boldness in doing the things I'm suppose to do and when the tasks are handed to me. Do keep me in your prayers too ya!

Worship tonight

Worship practice tonight for awesome. It wasn't because we had the whole band or many of us came and worship or practiced together... Guess what? Only 6-7 peeps were there; 1 electirc guitarist, 4 singers (including myself) and band leader, who also handled the PA system for us. It is amazing how we can still worship and praise Him, singing with our hearts out with only the electric guitar. The delimma was that, the keyboard couldn't be used because the main power plug for the keyboard was missing. There wasn't any news from the bassist, couldn't contact the fella. The other guitarist was stuck with work, thanks to his boss and the drummer did come! but after that, decided perhaps we'll just do it with the electric guitar. In other words, many peeps just couldn't make it for the practice though they were in the band. But it's okay.

Perhaps some were disspointed-ler. I know I was a bit when I saw so few ppl.. and was wondering what happened to the rest of the peeps. You see, I have been missing from the ministry as well because of exams and also, I wasn't 'on' to serve that time as my sifu took over and served instead (there wasn't extra keyboards). I wasn't dissapointed or sad or anything like that. Instead, the timing was good because that was during my assignment/projects & exam period. Also, my parents wasn't too happy with my involvement with so many practices and activities. So, I really needed that break to spend time in my studies and with my family. And I did! So, after my exams and now working, I came back again and am glad to be there, serving again, but everyone else seem to be missing. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them. I'm sure they have their reasons as I had mine the last month.

So, we only had the electric guitar as I mentioned. I had a strong feeling that practice would turn out great, better than what we'll imagined and perhaps even better than having the whole band together tonite. This happened when we were about to pray. What I am going to say next, may sound really bad-ler.. I was supposed to play keyboard but I know that I haven't really practiced for it and when I did practice, it didn't sound good enough.. my playing quality have gone down! Seriously! I wasn't ready or prepared. So, I was slightly relieved that I didn't have to play. Perhaps, even afraid that I would make the whole band suffer because of my playing (if I played). So, went into singing instead.

4 of us singing... 2 gals and 2 guys. Just using the e. guitar and singers, woah, it felt as if the place was a concert or opera house.. without audience but the singing combination was good and our guitarist played really well with his fill ins and his increadible skills. Most importantly, we could worship God freely and we focused on Him. It wasn't just to practice our skills but really to sing our hearts out to God and giving our all/best when we play or sing to Him. I know that His Holy Spirit was with us and when 2 or 3 are gathered in the midst, He will be there. Amen! It was awesome! Not just a worship practice for an upcoming event but singing it with joy, excitement and passion for Him... as if He was really there in the midst of us, as we exalt and giving Him glory. I'm sure He was there, in our hearts as He stirred our spirits-men within us.

It is amazing what God can do just with a guitar and a few singers. This I'm sure, taught us a lesson, that we don't have to have the whole band to worship God. We don't have to have all the instruments to make it perfect. Worship is the condition of the heart and you can worship with out without instruments, with or without others around you. Amen? We can always sing praises to Him even when there is just 2 people or on your own. Do it accapella by all means if you don't have the resources. Just don't give up or break down because of the lack of people or resources. Because our God is a God that can do things that we can't even imagine. He is great and He can make things great and happen. He only needs a vessel. Just one person to start, willing to serve Him and a heart that would follow Him.

I sang with joy in my heart! It has been years since I have that joy and God kept His promise. He granted me the joy when I was in the Baptism and Encounter Weekend. Usually, I'll shy off and would not want to sing in front of people, but this time, I just don't care. I just sing my whole heart out with joy. After that, God reminded me again of the passion and my prayer last time. It is still a mystery to me whether this is where God wants me to start or is this the so called 'new talent', also the promise that He wants to fullfill. I don't know but I'll continue to serve Him anyway, in wherever I am now.. and see where the Lord will lead me. How would I know where He leads me? I really don't know, but I think when the time comes and He really wants me to know, He will make it known to me somehow!

The Prayer

I went out for prayer last weekend celebration, trying to help out in anyway I can. I challenged myself to do so... though I feel small most of the times, whether it's praying for other people (whom I do not know or older than me) or be the catcher when they fall. As a leader in church, it is important that I learn to overcome this fear and not underestimate what God can do in my life. Even a prayer for a kid can be powerful, so there is really no age boundaries on the power of prayer or even mentoring others.

In my heart, I guess I wanted to be prayed for but kinda shy to go ask for it. So, I served la. Pastor suddenly approached me and asked whether I want to be prayed for or have I been prayed for. I told her I was just helping around. Then, I thought, I should just give it a shot ya know. One of my prayer request was to be more bold and couragous; to speak up when I need to and to dare to do things that I should do and asked to do by God. I find that my spirit of timidity isn't going anywhere, so I need to learn to take bolder steps if I want to live out loud for God and as a leader, I can't be timid all the time! I need to lead, guide and be able to edify and rebuke others when it is necessary.

So, Pastor M. did pray for me. I remembered some of the things she said... she told me this is one of the step of boldness... by coming out and asking for prayer. She added many other things, beside the prayer for boldness. She said that she sensed that the Lord was asking me not to rely too much on my gifts/talents (BINGO!) Wow! It spoke to me. Why is that? This is because I realized I have been relying a lot on my talents. Too much perhaps that I neglect Him at times. Also, I realized that I don't really know where am I heading to! I like this.. and that.. and this.. because I am sort-of good in doing it. Therefore, I am serving Him in that area. Perhaps that was what I was doing before. So now, I am really confused on where I should be serving and what is His desire for me to do for Him in the ministry. You see, so many choices can get you confused as well.

It was a prayer that I haven't heard before. A prayer that says that God will give me something new, new talents and it seems quite odd that I seem to have this sense of recognition of what she was saying... it was as if I already knew that He will do so but I don't know what is it (though I heard it for the first time as well). It was an assurance, deep inside of me and all I need to do is depend on Him and stick close to Him. Slowly, I will understand the Father's heart for me and what He desires for me to do in my life. I really pray and hope so!

My ministry in church... Cell Group Leader & Music Ministry. The thing about music ministry is that I used to serve in dance and keyboardist. Used to be a worship leader as well. I even had the desire to be a worship leader. Again, oddly, I have this thing inside of me that reassures me that God remembered my prayer and my desires before. I had so many desires and passions that I used to have that I really don't know which prayer/desires or passions I had before that He will fullfill in my life.

One thing I learn from that prayer is not to rely on my talents but rather the source, the giver and the maker... the person itself who make it all happen. I am still a bit confused and still searching but I am not giving up, neither am I just standing at the sidelines. I am playing the game as I am searching as well, because I know God doesn't want me to just sit and watch my life pass by while waiting for the revelation of what He wants me to do. Rather go out there and search as well as serve in wherever I am now first.

One thing I learnt today is to be faithful with the lil things that God has given me now. If I can take responsibility of these lil things, God will trust me with other bigger ones later on. Step by step, lil by lil.

Also, one part of the prayer that I'll remembered (from last Sat), that in my journey, I won't have be transformed totally into a better person but lil by lil overcoming the fears I have, dealing with issues and weakness in my life. Also, He will be changing me, taking me step-by-step with Him. I thank God for His patience and His accepting me when I have let Him down so many times. He is my ultimate mentor =) I am thankful that I have such a great God by my side who loves me dearly.

Mentoring

My heart desire and my prayer was to be mentored or be in a menotoring group. Also, to mentor someone or a group of gals, to bring them up to be a women after God's heart. I am sure that in the future, I would be mentoring my husband (he will mentor me as well) and my kids, physically, emotionally and spiritually! =)

I am excited to be in this journey. I have been mentoring someone, but I feel as if I haven't done enough because I do not really know how to mentor. I want to do more than what we are doing now. I want to go into a deeper level of transparency and mentoring relationship with the person. I longed to be mentored as well. I guess I was mentored by my parents, my ex-cell leader during secondary years and cell leader in PreU but I feel I needed more than just that... The mentoring that I am seeking for is like, really keeping each other accountable for the things we do, and bringing up each other spiritually, sharing our hearts out, our desires and problems. It need not be one-on-one but maybe a small group of gals, perhaps. I am looking for such mentoring setting, relationship or group.

I don't know where to look for it. Been praying about it for a while and I think it is essential for me and others that I am mentoring and one day will mentor more as well, in the coming days. This is one of my passion and desire. That the mentoring relationship will not be one-way but both ways and also, running together for years! Building the friendship, the closeness with one another and trust among each other.

In the other hand, I am afraid of being mentored because at times, I am afraid that people would see me for who I am underneath the mask and they would view me differently. Perhaps, such sins that they never thought I would have commited. It is scary if you think about it. But I am starting to learn to unmask myself (which is a progress). It also means that I need to leave my comfort zone to deal with the issues of the self (which I know I have to deal with a lot of things in myself and change of character).

I am afraid and yet I know there is a need for it. Mentoring is not to be taken lightly because people learn from you and people look up to ya. Also, you are shaping the person. No wonder, there is a need to pray before mentoring someone or pray about the people who are mentoring ya, because God knows best and knows who are the people that can really build us up in our lives.

So, Lord please help me on my search and journey of mentoring that I will soon discover and let it be centered around you.

Memory loss...

Argh! I seem to be forgetting my schedule ever since i've started working.

For example:-

1) Call someone to do ice-breaker for CG, when I said I will

2) Reconfirm with my friend whether I could meet them

3) Send the sms which I have typed


I'm in a daze >_< what's happening to me?

I think I need to put reminders or depend on a planner book againz *sigh*

Eating habits decreased

Can't eat as much as I used to anymore >_<
My appetite isn't that BIG as used to be...

Sad...

Benefits of working

Healthier life

• Consistent exercise from Mon to Fri, walking from KLCC LRT station to my office place (10 mins walk)
• Eating 3 full meals (usually I'll skip breakfast but I realize I need it now)
• Drink more water
• Sleep earlier
  

Independance

• I know how to use the LRT on my own
• At least I know my way around in KLCC & to my workplace
• More exposed to KL life
• Increases my sense of independance (walking around on my own)

Meet new friends & old ones

• My 'si fu' in workplace will always bring me out makan
• Many of my colleagues are Malay but they are friendly peeps
• Met a lot of my secondary school friends this week, esp in LRT train

Learning experience

• Learn what testing application programme do
• Expand my knowledge and skills (it's IT job if u didn't notice)
  
• Not limiting myself to just "psychology" though I studied that (will go into there)
  
• Though it's kinda repetitive, I am in ease because at least I know how to 'kau dim' the work given to me
• Experience working environment & expand communication skills (hopefully!)
  

There are a few disadvantages too...

• lethargic after work (really really tired. Understand my parents better)
• expensive man the food in KL (this is because I can only turn to KLCC for food!)

Well, that's about it la... the disadvantages so far.
Working life isn't that bad. First day, I felt like an odd ball and wanted to quit edi. Now I'm getting used to it and overcame the complaining spirit in me.

My parents are overall proud of me for taking up the job (though was sudden and I wanted to have a month hols first) and so far, I've survived a week in it. Mum got feedback that I very 'kuai' in work =P I hope so la...

Mum says that if you are open to learning (though it may not be in your field, you can go far in life -somesort along that line-). That's how she got as far as she did now. I respect my mum for her attitude in life =)


"Serve wholeheartedly as if you were serving God, not men" (Ephesians 6:7, NIV)

Updates

Oh man, there were so many things happening and I haven't blogged about it. I am really excited to share about it with ya all.. and also, one day as I reflect and read my posts back, I am reminded of what had happened =)

Well, updates...

1. Didn't do so well in exam. 2 out of 4 papers were not that good. For the first time, I 'tembak'/ randomly picked answers for my MCQ questions like crazy 'cuz I was in a rush. It was terrible and I know I didn't put in the amount of effort I should have in my studies.
2. Went for "Psycho Camp" (Psychology Camp la). Theme was "Life is Beautiful". I really enjoyed myself and had a changed perspective about my life. I really learnt a lot from the camp and I met some amazing people (my juniors, am proud of them) and grew closer to one of my school mates =) It was a 4 day, 3 nites camp.
3. I went for Baptism and Membership Encounter Weekend (BMEW) and I really did encounter the Lord there. I learnt a whole new perspective about my Father in Heaven and really it has been so great being there. Opened up my heart to Him, envisioned me together with Him.. it's amazing.. how He took me in and accepted me, though I ran away so many times from Him. The story of the Prodigal Son, Though I was really tired and had backaches from the previous camp, Spirit of God really kept me awake for all the sessions there. Also, pastor did a great job preaching. I personally like his style of teaching.
4. Just started work. It was o-kay la. I won't say I really love it, but could handle la. Quite tiring though. Takes about an hour to travel there and back. It'll be for 2 months.. means 40 more days, minus today and 2 days of leave. Am thankful that I got a job. Just didn't think it would be this early. Still very confused with what I'm suppose to do. Don't quite understand much about the job I'm doing. If you all were wondering, I am doing testing on application programme.

That's the update for today. Selamat Malam and take care! ^_^

Humor for students...

Students' Psalm

The Lord is my sheperd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.
He leadeth me beside the cooler water for a study break;
He restores my faith in study guides.
He lead's me better study grades;
For my grade's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades
I will not have nervous breakdown
for thou art with me;
My prayers and their friends, they comfort me.
Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness;
Thou anoints my head with understanding.
My test paper runneth with questions I recognise
Surely passing grades and flying colours will follow me.
All the days of examinations,
And I shall not have to dwell in college
Forever!

Amen.


I Could Study This Notes Forever

Over DOTA and my studies
The study notes are piling on me
And when I open up my heart
I need the need for killing spree.

I could study these notes, forever (x4)

Oh, I feel like studying
It's foolishness I know
But when the student's have seen the light
They will study with joy,
Like we're studying now...

Adapted by "I could sing of Your love forever"
Written by Lemuel Low

Life goes on...

Like my friend always say..

"Life is like a round ball" by Joshua San

You got that right, bro!

Waiting for a miracle...

I just rededicated my life last Sunday in ACTS church. It was wierd.. I didn't see myself as backslided Christian or anything.. Perhaps, I didn't wanna admit or didn't wanna acknowledge it. Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't believe in God and Jesus as my Savior or stop having that faith. But I know that I needed something more in life than what I am currently living. I lost the joy in doing the things in my ministry, in studies and seem like almost everything.. life itself. The life inside of me was like... DEAD. Get what I mean?

I need to be excited in my faith, once again. To be excited to want to truly know Him. I lost all those desires. I kinda lost hope in myself in other sense. Perhaps, I stop trusting that He could do anything for me, since I do not seem to be doing anything for myself. Things always seem to be the same... you have that fire in ya burning so passionately and brightly one day, and the next thing you know it's gone. I don't want that in my life anymore. So, tired of going through the same routine.

I need to have more in my life than just a flickering fire within me. I need to have more than what I think there is out there. I need more hope in my life. I need the JOY in me once again. I need a CHANGE in my life... People say, they can see change in themselves and others can see it to when they have Christ in them and they can see Holy Spirit in work. I want that!!! I want to see a change in my perspective, in my heart to desire & be commited to Him and a change in my behavior to be a better person.

I need to believe for myself that there is still hope, that I once used to believe.
I need to know that I am His precious child, that He still loves me & hears my cry.

I waiting for a miracle in my life... I want more than what I am at now...
There's gotta be more in life & a meaning to live.

"God, please send a miracle, open my eyes, ears & heart & help me believe"

Grounded...

Whoa... I haven't been grounded for quiet some time. I remembered that my parents gave me the freedom to choose after I graduated from secondary school because they said I am old enough to make my own judgement & decisions.

Guess what.. I am grounded again! Woohooo! *I know, I'm nuts*

Why am I grounded?

• 'Cuz I handed in my assignment paper last minute (though it was on time)
• 'Cuz I am always late and I never seem to learn from my lesson
• Dad is just waiting for my cell phone bill to get me caught & teach me a lesson

I hope these are the only reasons...

What am I grounded for?

• No friends allowed to come to my place
• Can't go out except for college & CG

How long?

• These two weeks.
  
• Good for me anyway, cuz I am bombarded by assignments & I have exams next week.
• Makes no difference to me. I kinda thank God also! Help me control myself & be more discipline..

Am not complaining...

Different personalities?

My family view me as...
- most irresponsible person
- most worried by them
- spends the most money
- lazy
- indiscipline
- not commited/sensitive enough to home affairs
- always late/last minute
- never learns from one's mistake
- unrealible
- very dependent on them & others


What people view me as...
- Coorperative
- to some people, always on time (transportation)
- committed in work
- hardworking (when they happen to see me do work)
- reliable
- servanthood heart (oh boy... that's where I try to take up every responsiblity I can. Why?)


What I view myself...
- I do not like to spend too much

• but i don't know why my hp bill is increadibly freaking high every month
• Not much of a shopper (only go shopping like 3 times a year or smtng...)
• Probably spend a lot of food
  

- ok.. I am tardy..

• 'cuz there is no reason for me to be early for class
• why? cuz i do not learn anything from there! (wish I can tell my parents that...)
• dread going for class & have to wake up early for useless class

- last minute-ness..

• I thought it was considered better than last time edi

- I can be independant. I really can!

• Went lunch on my own several times before
• At times, I walk ahead of others on my own (does that count?)
• Because I was percieved as dependant, I like to be on my own in college (underlying issue on why I am less sociable there)
• Is that why I try to pick up leadership role in coll (at times) & always eager to serve in ministries? Oh gosh... (something I have to question myself)
  

- I am somewhat irresponsible/unrealible because I forget at times!!!

• That's why, I always ask my friends to remind me, if I need to do something important for them.
• Also, I am considered someone willing to do everything and serve... why? I think I just realized the answer
• I didn't like to be irresponsible, therefore, I try to take up every responsibilities I can in other places (underlying cause... unconcious manifest into conciousness)
  
• By taking up many responsibilities outside, i became less involved at home and even less responsible
  

- I do not need people to be worried about me.

• I am 19 and a half years old, for goodness sake.

- It's not that I don't want to learn from mistakes.

• Think, I don't think about it almost everyday????!!!
• Want me to have another car accident to make me realize & change ah?
• I guess, I just don't think of it enough and put it as a priority to fix all these probs in the first place *sigh*

Note to Liz: CLEAN UP THE MESS IN YOUR LIFE!!!!

Liz: okay... not like I have much of a choice...

Stress-nesss!!!!!

Wahhhh!!! Wanna cry lerrr... feel like running around the field 10 times to relief my stress.. or shouting on top of a mountain. Wahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okie... enough of "wah"-ing. Let's see what do I have to do

12/3 Today : Mock Presentation for Sat & Sociology Quiz (which i haven't studied)
14/3 Fri: Sociology Presentation
15/3 Sat: Research Colloqiuom Presentation
17/3 Mon: Special Project Paper on the "Special Kid's" weekly visit in Ampang
18/3 Fri: Research Paper for Research Methods
Research Paper for Sociology
Peranakan Paper: Food (Meat, Poultry's...)

Week after.... End term from Monday 24th to Wednesday 26th April 2006.

Oh man, I can't wait for all these to be over!!!

Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails?
Is there anyone that falls?
I am the only one in church today
Feeling so small

'Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that i see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiney plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pains
But if the invitation's open
That every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only who's traded
In the alter for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

by Casting Crowns

Reason to Live?

I had a long talk with my best friend today. I missed her so much! We talked for hours about life & things that matters to us. Can't believe we are already 'young ladies'. I love seeing all my friends grow and I'm so glad to hear that she has made so much difference in people's lives... She learnt so much about God, life, relationships etc. I see the radiance in her, though her life wasn't all that good or high. Most of all, I respect her for knowing what she wants in life, knowing what she can achieve and do & make a difference in her life and people around her. She really inspires the gals, the younger ones.. bring them hope and support them in so many ways. She has a reason to live.

When I look back into my life. I feel as if, I am the opposite of her. I am still insecure of what my future will be. I am most of the time confused with my own identity and what I want for myself even. I feel as if there is no reason for me to live. Let's face some facts... I am not much of a person whom "make a difference" wherever I go or whatever I do. I don't do much inspiring cuz I just don't know what to say most of the time, whether advice ppl or make them feel better. The best I can do, "I'll be your friend & will be here" (which sometimes, I get into trouble with as well). hehe I don't know what I want in life.. I don't even know what God wants from me!

Sometimes, I just feel so tired of living. I am not much use in this world anyway. So, wouldn't make much of a difference if I am gone, rite? Why O why, am I here in the first place? I seem to hurt those whom I seem to be making a difference in their lives (at first). So, there's not much of a positive differences there. I don't know what am I doing here. Okay.. besides, serving Him in ministries, worshipping Him and all. What else is there in life for me? Even as a CG leader, I am not an outstanding one. I am supposed to bring change but I am not doing much in CG as well to encourage or bring change.

I wanna live my life with a purpose.. knowing what I have to do & be bold to do it. Perhaps I do know but I swept it under a rug because I was afraid that I wouldn't be strong or courageous enough to be different. Somehow, something inside of me is whispering to my soul, "you can be more than you think you are". Why do I find it hard to believe? Because it doesn't seem evident enough?

Sometimes, just wanna give up ya know. But, I can't yet. There has to be a reason, rite? And I'll never know if I throw my life away. I do wonder if I am gone, what will I be missed for? Will or have I be a good testimony in people's lives? I don't know.. but I sure hope that God will be evident in my life.. cuz I am not living for myself but for Him.. and His Name will be lifted up through the things He did in me (whether with or without my knowledge).

I do hope that... I made a difference in a lil things I do...
Hopefully it'll be a lil more clear to me on why I am still here & learn of the reason to live.

Desperate enough?

Hehaha I may appear as a 'desperado' because of my previous posts. As much as I hate to admit it, if I really do, give a thought about it, perhaps I am. I am so excited to be with my future husband. I really am! I don't know whether I have already met him since a long time ago, just met him or haven't met him yet.

As I wondered to myself about my desperate-ness... I really thought to myself.. how come, I haven't been so excited to meet God that way? How come I can be so desperate to be with someone (whom I may or may not know yet) but not be desperate enough for my God?

This really got me thinking... how do I know if I am desperate for Him? I haven't felt that way in a really long time... Wait, have I ever been desperate for Him? I don't know >_< What I do know is that, I am certainly not desperate enough for Him now.

What comes into my mind when I think about the word desperate?
- longing after... heavily relying on... hanging on tightly?

I frankly think, I am more desperate to be with people than God then. I feel as if I often seem to lose a grip of Him. What can I do, to be desperate for Him, once again? To be excited when I meet Him each day when I wake up... To have the overflowing desire to know Him...?

"O God, I wanna be excited when I see You. I wanna have that longing to really know you as well as understand Ya & be with Ya always... Lord, help me to stay put & hold unto You tightly. Help me to learn that, I need You more than I ever will know. Help me to understand that there is greater love in You than the peeps that I constantly seek for around me. Let my soul thirst for You... I pray, in Jesus Name, Amen."