Say Goodbye

Currently, feeling a lil emo... LOLz!
Luv this song...

"Say Goodbye" (duet by Jordan Knight & Deborah Gibson)

Jordan
Yeah I've been so lost lately
I don't really understand baby
Where did I go wrong
I wanna talk to you
Please call

Deborah
Where do I begin with you
After all that we've been through
I don't think that it would be right
if we got together so suddenly

Jordan
I wish that I could take back all the things that I said
and replace them with simply I love you instead

CHORUS:

Deborah

You don't wanna say goodbye

But you never really seem like you wanna try

Jordan

But I only wanted you to stay then I let you just slip away

Deborah

If you didn't listen to your heart inside

Then it really doesn't matter what was on your mind

And if you need me, then tell me why

Jordan

Girl, I never meant to say goodbye Mmm Oh yeah

Jordan
I think about the past baby
Why we couldn't make it last, lady
I know you still have doubts
But I'm gonna prove that we can work things out

Deborah
I wanna be sure that you
Know what you put me through
And reveal that you intend to never let me down again

Jordan
It's clear to me and I can't ignore that
I have to give you something I couldn't before

-CHORUS-

Bridge:-
Deborah: I didn't think that we would come to this
Jordan: Ooh, no Your eyes, your face, your smile is what I miss
Deborah: Why'd you wait so long to take me back
Deborah & Jordan: It's all a simple misunderstanding

-CHORUS 2x-

I am more...

• independent
• shy
• un-friendly
• paranoid
• tense
• observant
• analytical
• doubtful
• busy
• aware
• vain
• cheeky
• straight-forward/frank
• sarcastic
• un-smiley
• rounder
• doubtful of my gut feeling
• (less) of a conversationalist
• (less) patient
• (less) sensitive to others
• reliable
• 'kan chiong' - worried
• (less) focused
• (less) discipline
• overcomed my laziness..............

..... compared to my teenage years.

The list goes on man.

Pampered Self

Oh man, I can't wait to hang out with my gals!!!
I am sooo up to pamparing myself for one day...
eg. facial, manicure, doing my hair, shopping!

Okie okie.. I wasn't like this before.
I wasn't really the shopping type. I only go shopping like twice a year or something.
But, I really really need some new clothes now and a good fashion advice from my galfriends!

I did manicure like twice before. It's nothing much really.
You just feel relaxed and feel good ya know when someone is doing your nails for ya.. looking good with those nicely cut and painted nails.

Ahh! I can't wait to change the style of my hair! To just try out something new.
My hair can't really do much until I straighten it.. but I think I have to wait till end of the year to do that!!
So long!! I still wanna highlight my hair or something.

I've never done facial before.
Heck, I don't even wear make up when I go out!
I just want them to clean my pores, get rid of those irritating pimples/acnes & blackheads.
I still don't understand how others can get such smooth and flawless skin, but I'm gonna find out soon!

I really really need to start exercising. I am getting rounder each day.
I don't think it's because I eat way a lot.. I eat more junkfood/unhealthy food, perhaps and I lack exercise.
I seriously need to keep fit and hopefully turn my fats into muscles! *haha* Tone it, man!
Also, a healthier lifestyle liao!

I've always said that I want these changes. I've even blogged bout it few months ago! And I still haven't done it yet. Some parts of me, am afraid of the changes cuz I've never been this... I don't know.. pampered with myself? or girly before (in a way)? I mean, I don't do these stuff.

I would often wonder what would people think of me if I changed.
Eg. Do they even know that I have such desires in my heart? Am I not suppose to have these desires? Hide it? What if they don't like the "new me"? What if they find me a total changed person and want the old me back? What if lizzie don't look like the ol goody-goody 2 shoes anymore or the sweet cute-face gal, and they will create this really bad impression of me instead? I mean impressions can be before really knowing the person, rite? What if... what if?

Haha sounds as if... it's a sin to try to look good, pamper myself or beautify myself. Lol! And it's not like I do it so often that I blow my money away for it. These are the questions that kinda make me chicken out last minute, and the awkwardness I feel when I want to look good or beautiful outwardly, but feel a lil ashamed inside. I do wonder, did I vanquish those desires because of all the questions in my thoughts that tells me... Also statements like...

It's not worth ya money, you're just blowing it away. You may create too much attention to yourself, which will cause embarrassment and more problems. How bout, new friends coming because of your looks and old ones leave because you don't seem to be the same. Come on.. you can't do it. Your parents will think that you're nuts! There sure would be negative comments from others about it and comparision made.. I can assure you!

These kinda thoughts really are a pain in the ass, because they surpressed my desire to be feminine and to explore more bout myself and my identity.

I really wanna try it out someday, and I just gotta or my desire would kill me on the inside. I just want to be confident as a girl in the inside of the outside! And I really hope that I can try it out with my galfriends (before one of them leaves to UK and the other to Aus).

Am I ready for the change? I don't know. But I sure like to find out.

P/S Some people may think that I worry too much or am paranoid. But these are experiences and comments I get from people from the past, that sort of "made me who I am" or "the way I think".

CG Retreat Rox Part 2 (Cont.)

3rd Day...
We woke up at 9.30am. Got ready, makan, packed up our things. Can't believe it happened so fast. We have to vacate the room by 12pm (suppose to la but we were half an hour late). We had a worship session before we went off and settled some money issues such as food, accomodation and transportation. Oh man, such a headache trying to remember sort out the money. I am really poor in my maths now. I hardly use it in my course. I do la just not that often and we had calculators or computer to count for ya. See how lazy our minds can get as we depend so much on technology equipments.

So far, the response about the retreat was good :) many of us wished it was longer. I do too. The most unsatisfactory factor was the lunch we had in First World. Other than that, it was a-o-kay! ;) We had good time and wonderful time of knowing one another as we bonded.

Goals achieved:

• Bonding
• Openness - you'll see the true unique colors of each of them!
• Fun-ness
• We included God into our sessions & fun-ness
• Spiritual knowledge/food
• Exposed to knowledge about uniqueness of God's creation/life
• Expended our knowledge about some mind-blowing facts/myths in the museum

My own learning experience:

• Being responsibleBeing firm in certain areas
• Leading a group for this event
• Independance
• Making decisions
• Overcoming my fear
• Reflection
• Chill and relax
• Appreciate nature/God's creation
• Knowing or understanding myself more as well as others
• Reconnecting with God
  

Cell Retreat Rox!

My cell and I went for a Genting trip last weekend. Wow! Came back yesterday evening, I slept like a baby from 5pm+ to 9.30pm >_< It was awesome~!

1st Day...
We reached there about 9.30pm? Really late, right? That was because we left at 7pm from KL Sentral and had to wait for different busses to take us to the apartment - Awana. The unit was great! We had a small kitchen, hall was big enough for all of us.. and comfortable room. Awesome! It can fit 9 of us. Cool, eh?

The night itself after reaching the place, we asked our fav personal chef (one of our own peeps) to prepare supper for us. Tasty~Yummy~ We had a wonderful balcony which became my 'sanctuary'. I love that balcony.. just staring out at the greenary and the sky. Awesome-ness. I spent most of my time there either alone or talking with a number of my cell members there.

You know being teens/young adults, when we are gathered together we won't sleep early. Who goes to camp and sleep early, man? We spent time singing songs (Christian & Secular). We can identify the potential singers, guitar players and crazy ones! *haha* After that some of us played card games - 'Chor Tai Di' - no gambling la. Just for funz! Also, we played Mafia. One member was bullied and picked on like crazy. Man, I think our unit was producing sound polution. Thank God, we didn't have any complaints from the neighbours. Maybe there weren't any around! I had to remind them to tone down their voices from time to time. Crazily, we stayed up till 3am+.


2nd Day...
Surprisingly, the guys woke up first!!! and they woke up about 7.30am!!! Oh my gosh... O_o I thought guys tend to over-sleep most of the time, like piggies. I guess, I underestimated them. *haha* we had great breakfast from 2 chefs this time =) Later, we did devotion and a member of mine, pop questions about the passage he read - "The Coming of Jesus Christ" and "Idleness". Basically, we were discussing about the whole book of 2nd Timothy. It was a good discussion as we try to understand the passage better in its context.

After that we listened to a sermon my friend brought by Ps Kong Hee from City Harvest Church on Marketplace Transformation. He spoke a lot about being out in the world rather than hiding ourselves within the confined walls of the church and making Christ known in the things you do, the work of your hands and the daily decision you make in your workplace. He focused on how we should work towards excellence in our work and from there, how we can actually bring transformation in the society. So then, we try to relate it to our student life in college and universities. How are we to bring transformation there and make a difference? We had a short discussion about the sermon and some of us didn't agree 100% of what he said but we understood the main focus of his message and agreed that there is a need for transformation and impact in our soceity.

Later in the afternoon, we went up to First World Plaza to 'makan'. Oh man, almost all of us were unsatisfied with our lunch. It was superb expensive & tasteless!!! >_<

We went to the outdoor ThemePark. I was extremely tense and sooo afraid to sit on the rides. Pretty freaked out. Not that I haven’t sat on it before, just the experience itself, makes me feel extremely nervous, scared… as if there were butterflies in my stomach. Almost felt like purging my food out when I see the rides. Argh! >_<>

I was sooo tense and was trembling with fear, from the start till the end, even when the ride was slowing down. I have no idea why, when I sit for these kind of rides, there would be some amount of tears collected around my eyes. “Go-Kart” was slow but I pretty much enjoyed the ride. The air was fresh and I got to just chill as I drive. I tried to compete with my one of my members, but he blocked my way when he overtake me! Not fair!!! =P Some of my members went on sitting for more rides but the rest of us was dead tired and once of those rides were enough for me.

For dinner, we vowed not to go back to the same place to eat. Instead, we went to eat fast-food, KFC there. It's more expensive there as well. I think the amount of money we spend on food cost a bomb. We were really behind time (acc. to my schedule),but I had to bring them to "Ripley's Believe It A Not" Museum. People who go to Genting have to visit it. Seriously! It's worth your money. Only RM18. My whole cell members really enjoyed it! By the time, we came out and reached back to our apartment it was about 11.30pm.

I had a sharing session that was supposed to happen, but I thought perhaps they are mentally tired ya know. So, I just let them chill for the night after being out the whole day. Guess what? Some of them were still hyper! We were singing again like the previous night, playing 'Mafia' as well as bullying one of my cell member (he was the target) and playing cards.

As for me, instead of playing cards, I had a great time chilling at the balcony with some of my members/friends. A lil cold at the wee hours in the morning, but great place to be. I call it my 'sanctuary'. That is the place where I talk to God, poured out my worries and concerns to Him, spent time with my devotion, actually wrote something in my travel-diary and just enjoy the greenary as I reflect upon life. I also, get to know more about my friends as I talked to them personally or in a group.

Most of us slept at 5am that morning.

To be cont...

Food for Thought

"Days passes by quicker than I thought
Or am I passing by quicker than those days?"

Baby Blues

*Eeeeee!* sooo cuteee!!! *pinch babies cheeks*

I love "Baby Blues" comic ;)
Zoe, Hammie and and.. and... I forgot the 3rd child's name.

But they are sooo cute!
I 'pinjam-ed' the comic from a friend of mine who came back from Ukraine for hols.

Oh man... this comic strips make me feel like having my own family!
I wanted to name my daughter Zoe as well..

I found out a couple of years ago that Zoe means "life"
The name was inspired by Christian contemporary music group called "ZoeGirls".
I liked the name Zoe because it was unique and it started with the letter "Z" which was not commonly used.
and the he alphabet "Y" in the middle of the name.

I thought of a couple of names for my children before...
Eg. Caitlyn, Kaylie, Kaylee... (I have a list.. ufnortunately, I don't have it with me now).

I plan to have max 4 kids only la.. more than that, I prefer not..

Unless of course, God wants to bless me with even more *haha* =P

When something unexpected comes up

Things that has happened the past few days really surprised me.
Beyond my imagination *blows my mind off*
It's so wierd when something can happen... somewhere around you, you are involved in something without your own knowledge.
It's wierd.. O_o
I still don't understand why, or what really really happened.
I don't know whether to laugh or to cry... It's mind boggling. My gosh...

But I'm glad that it is kinda off my chest :)
After much thinking and feeling discouraged, maybe dwelled in self-pity for a while... as well as reflecting upon my life,
God showed me a different perspective on how I should respond.
*Thanks Father -hugz-* I'm surprised I can ever come up with such idea.

I hope a new beginning will give birth through this...
A renewed hope...
It is also a test of mercy and forgiveness.

Stocking - up

What do I have on my desk?
- Nestle Milo Nuggets
- Rocky Strawberry Flavour
- Chipsmore (Regular)
- Frozz Cherry Mint
- Mentos Sour Mix
- Tic Tac Lemon Mint

I really mean it when I say I eat to keep me alert in the office ;p

Random updates

Holiday
I would like to share with ya all about the camp I went.
Unfortunately, I don't have much time to blog about.
I know if I did, it'll be a long post.
So, let's just postpone that till end of this week k.
I have many exciting stories from there to tell =)

Schedule
Just realized that I have my schedule booked almost each and everyday.
It's either I'm going out or people coming over.
It's crazy, I tell you! How did I get this busy?
Okay ler, maybe not busy busy like work busy..
well, I am busy with work in the morning till evening..
But at night, it's more of meeting up people, going for meetings etc.
Need to C.H.I.L.L. with myself and with God more.

Food
Oh yeah, I am becoming a sweet tooth fella >_<
I don't really like taking too much sweets, but when I started working, I have to have at least a sweet a day...
Actually, I take more than that.
It's to keep me awake and 'active' in my mind.
I really hope my teeth won't fall out when I get old.
I am even eating more junkfood and 'nasi lemak'.
Gosh!!! Becoming unhealthy.
The junkfood comes in when I am bored or just finished work (why? I don't know)
Nasi lemak usually for breakfast.
I have cravings for that particular Malaysian food in the mornings, though it makes my stomach uncomfortable most of the time after that.
Then, soon before lunch, I'll feel sleepy... After lunch as well.. *sigh*

Sleep/Doze off
My sleeping habit got a bit better.
From 3 - 4ams in the morning, I sleep about 12.30 or latest 1.30am now.
Improvement! *yey!*
I have a really bad habit... I tend to fall asleep in my workplace
(while downloading resumes, half way typing - reformatting resumes etc.) Odd no?
Many contributing factors:
- not enough sleep during the night before
- slouching
- breakfast/too much chybohydrate (nasi lemak)
- reading too many words (resumes)

I realized that posture is very important for one to keep awake.
If I slouch, I tend to feel sleepier and soon doze off.
If I sit up straight, I am able to focus more what I am doing.
Then again, my body gets tired after a while, if I sit up straight for too long.

Can't wait to update about camp and more :)

My Five Factor Personality Profile

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Control over ourselves?

After washing my face this morning, I looked in the mirror..

"Oh my gosh!!!" O_O >_<>

I looked as if I've been punched in the eyes or something *ok-la, a bit exaggerated*
It didn't look that bad when I have my specs on but when I took it off... oh dear.

There are dark rings around my eye... I am quite lethargic these few days.
Haven't have enough sleep.. A few times, I just can't sleep till past 3am or so. It's nuts.

Food intake, getting little and little.. day-by-day.
Wonder whether is it because I am getting bored of the food, or my stomach just got smaller?
Oddly, I don't feel as hungry as I used to, when I take such small amount of food each day.
I don't think that I psyced myself thinking that I am fat, though I would love to be thin and just right.

It's odd how our biological clock works.

Some people say that I am a happy-go-lucky person.. at times laid back. Those who really know me, I tend to worry a lot and get tensed up quite easily. You can see it through the way I handle things at times, or when I plan. I am always in a rush. Those close to me would know 'cause they would be the victims when I talk to them about it. They would have to keep asking me to calm down.. to relax... to not be too worried about these lil things in life.

My friend asked once "Do you feel lonely?" At first, I do not know how to answer that. Come to think about it, I do not feel that as often as I do last time. Why? Because I've been running around like a maniac from one activity to another and kept myself busy.. I dont' really have the time to think whether I am lonely. Which is good at my part, but in a long run, I think I may just breakdown and crash or something. If I really look deeper into my soul, perhaps I do feel lonely... or rather afraid that I'll feel lonely.

Symptoms:
- Aggitated when I have nothing to do.
- Am clueless on what I should do.
- Get a bit worried & tense for having nothing to do.
- Do not know how to relax or do something I really enjoy.
- Hardly had the time to just rest.

Do I bombared myself with these activities unconciously to avoid thinking about how lonely I could be or because I just really like to do these things and love to help around? If I do really want to serve also, I better do it wisely, because at the end of the day, I'll be tiring myself out, either knowing the purpose of what I do and how I live each day, or still clueless about it.

I know that I am standing on dangerous grounds if I do not reflect upon my life, the way I live and search deeper of why I do certain things. But at the same time... I think I am afraid. I am afraid of letting my mind wander about, letting my emotions go loose and it becomes uncontrollable.

Can that ever happen? Is it possible to not having control over what you think of and your feelings? I believe that you can control it if you really really want to, at the same time, it is really hard to do so. Afterall, God gave us a choice. He didn't make us robots that we have no control of our lives at all. Yes, God is in control of everything around us, but ultimately we are responsible for our own decisions and actions. We are given the stewardship to choose how we want to live, in this lifetime.

When I worry, my friend/leader told me before that I should not think too much, or my mind will play tricks on me. As a psychology student, I know that the mind is a powerful thing that God has made, and no one can fully understand it. You can see through the various the perspectives or theories that humans came up with to understand human behavior. I also asked before "Have you ever felt afraid for falling in love with someone?" She answered she doesn't like it when someone uses the word 'falling in love'. The statement sounds as if there is no control over your feelings and actions. Therefore, it seems like you don't have to take responsibility over it.. cause it's beyond your capability or what you can choose to do.

What I've learnt is if I really did 'fall' for someone, I am able to choose on what I want to do about it, even if it seem so feel hard to control my feelings. If my mind think too much about unimportant, unhealthy facts that could be destructive to my life, I can at least try to stop thinking about it or do something that would help to not think too much about it - like having all those activities. That doesn't give me the excuse to avoid reflecting upon what is important, just because I do not want to face it. I can choose to sleep early and eat properly. I have control over my own body... and what I want to do. So, I should take control and be a steward of my the life that God has given to me.

Life and choices are afterall, a gift from God to us...

I miss...

I wanna share so many things... but now I can't remember it all...
I miss so many things...

I miss blogging like I used to.
I miss expressing myself thru music and writing.
I miss dancing freely when I was a lil kid.
I miss making encouragement notes/cards for people I care for.
I miss my friends who are seem to be closeby but seem so afar at the same time.
I miss the times when I knew how to relax.
I miss going to places, looking at the city lights and being mesmorized by it.
I miss hanging out with a person that I thought was special to me and I was special to him.
I miss chillinz with my friends and talk about random things in life.
I miss studying in college and doing research (can't believe it!).
I miss the people I've just met and wish that I can know them better.
I miss being the shy girl that hides behind her friends.
I miss being a good listener and being there for my friends who are in need.
I miss the peeps whom I used to exchange letters with in sec schools.
I miss the times when my parents and uncle use to swing me around in their arms.
I miss the times treating my grandma's dress as a swing.. Swinging in between her legs as I sit on her dress, the bottom part there *haha*
I miss being the adventurer in my dreams.
I miss dressing up during special occasions.
I miss the times when I was soo willing to lend a hand to a friend.
I miss wishing for a guy to sweep me off my feet.
I miss having a soft/gentle heart and yet being strong willed about what I believed in.
I miss enjoying the songs I play.
I miss having a hobby.
I miss just talking with a friend for hours on the phone.
I miss really caring about someone so much that I won't get tired of it.
I miss carrying the hope in me, not giving up in a person.
I miss the optimistic me.
I miss being different not because I am cute.
I miss being truly innocent.
I miss being special to someone.
I miss the times when I just ran into my Heavenly Father's arms.
I miss being a princess in His eyes and believing, knowing that I really am.
I miss the times when I can really talk.
I miss the times when I am facinated by lil things in life.
I miss keeping with me those sweet memories I have with my friends.
I miss just being the lil girl and leave behind the worries of the world...

I miss... I miss.... I miss....

Research on 'Relationships'

Hi peeps,

I am doing this research on "Relationships" which include, singlehood, dating, courtship, marriage, finding love partner.. etc and do a presentation on it. What I'm asking from you are questions that you have about the topic. It can be anything, as long as its relevant to the topic mentioned. With the questions that we gather from ourselves (teammates and I) and anyone who comments about it, we will try our best to relate it with what the Bible have to say, (which we believe it is the Word of God) concerning the questions that we have about relationships. So, what we do is to tie in and relate the answers to your questions with what God has to say about it, not out of our own opinions.

So, please feel free to just throw in some questions about relationship issues. Whether you are from different race, nationality, religion, anything la... It'll be good to hear from you. Those who has my MSN, you can message me, those who doesn't have can just put your questions under this post's comments.

Thanks.


Lizzie

Life Partner (Part II)

Continuation of the post before...

• Leadership: My future partner shouldn't make hasty decisions. It'll be good if he can consult me about it and both of us share our view points about the decision. But overall, the leadership will fall upon him. I wouldn't really like it, if my husband depend on me to make every decisions in the house. Also, I want God to be involved in the decisions we make.I pray that God's wisdom will be upon him and he will not take this responsibility lightly. I will learn submit to the authority of my husband and even if his decisions isn't wise, I shall submit it to God and not put him down him for not taking my advice when the decision goes wrong. We'll work and walk it through together. I believe the power of authority in the family is very important for the whole family's well being and spiritual life. What you teach and model to your children, is very important, however, it is a hard task.

• Integrity: In what he believes in, his values and in his workplace. This integrity is grounded in the word of God - The understanding of what you believe and values, also, obedience to God's word and His calling though you may not understand it yet. It is the principle behind it. Walk the talk. I believe it comes with a teachable heart and humble spirit within. This came into mind,"You are in the world but you are not of the world". Meaning, you don't have to be like everyone else or just follow the flow, though you are part of them (human race), but stick firm to what you believe in and the values you trust is right and favourable in God's eyes. It is a daily learning process as we face trials and temptations in different stages of our lives.
  
• Joy: Joy of living. The joy of Christ, contend with where he is, who he is and what he is and yet, continue to maximize his potential and put every effort and everything he do, every breath he breathes, every step he takes, to bring glory to our Almighty God. A guy that is vibrant in the way he lives. I love a guy with a great smile and spreads joy with the people around him. A guy who knows what or who he is living for and has the joy to live out loud for Him. A person who guides me in that direction to be a blessing to others as well, through the joy of the Lord in us.
  
• Spreads the love: A person that doesn't just focus his attention to me only, but are sensitive to other people's needs as well. What I meant to say is that... he is in this ministry of touching lives, being sensitive to people's needs, not only mine or his own. This way, we are able to spread the love of God together. A person that doesn't live on his own or for his own. A guy that also, knows his boundaries when he is meeting the needs of others . I do not mean it as a church ministry, but a life long commitment to serve God by giving his life to serve people, just as Christ did and that is what Christ wants from us as well. We do it not because others deserved it, but God loved us first and Christ still loves us. As Christians, He lives in us (or at least should be), therefore, we should be portraying His love to others and be a blessing to them. The ministry of "Touching Hearts, Changing Lives", not by our own works, but God with us.
  
• Spirit of excellence. I'm not talking about being the best among others. I believe that the standard is not of human's standard but God's standard. He sets the standard on how we should live, He IS the standard. Collosians 3:23 "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men". I believe in whatever you do, always keep in mind that you are not doing it just on your own or for others, but God as well - whether it's the simple things you do, in studies, a project, in your workplace, serving in church etc. Everything we do, every labor we toil is an offering to God. So, let it be an offering that brings fragrance and brings favor to Him. We should give Him the best because He deserves the best. It is not about competitions or selfish desires to be on top or the best. Rather, reaching to be Christlike because He wants us to be. Therefore, we should be careful with the way we live our lives. This also comes with surrender because you are surrendering your life and whatever you do to someone greater than you can ever imagine or you can ever be.
  

Guess I over shot. I never knew that I can write so much about my ideal life partner. If you ask me in person, I probably can't tell you in detail or much at the spot itself. But when I type it down, I really reflect upon what I want to say and express. I believe the list doesn't just stop there... I pray that whoever I am with, whether he is as ideal as the list or not, I'll be able to accept and love him in whatever state he is in and for who he is, and yearn to help each other grow physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

Future life partner...

I was just reminded of a post that I was suppose to put up weeks ago... perhaps even a month ago >_< *sorry gal* My friend tagged me on the 8 traits/points on an ideal lover for me. Lover sounds quite cliche for me, that's why I prefer to call it my future life partner. The word life partner bring much meaning to me. Anywayz, here goes...

• Loves God: A person who loves God would honor Him and live in righteousness according to His ways. I know that he may not be perfect, but I know that because of this love with God, He would attempt to reach to God's standards of living. It is when we submit and trust God in different areas in our lives, we will begin to grow more into His likeness and he shall grow in substance, shown through his character. I can be assured that, he would be a living testimony for me, our kids and the people around us.

• Family Man: I would like my future life partner to still spend time with me and our kids, in the midst of his busy working life. I don't mean, abandoning work at all... but having a balance between those two. Responsibility over his work and also, his own family. I would want him to set aside time for me and the kids for family bonding, mentoring them about God and life as well as walking together, hand-in-hand in life as a family, thru thick & thin. A husband and a father who sets example for the family and loves us with an open heart and open arms *hugz*

• Captures my heart: Heheh of course before marrying me, the person would have to capture my heart first. But, I don't want it to just end there. It'll be great if he could capture my heart and still be passionate after we're married. Not just the first few years (that would be the easier part), but later years as well (which gets harder), until we grow old (even harder) and move on to Heaven (the, we rejoice together!). I know that passionate feelings do come and go, and as you live & know the person long enough you may get tired of him/her and when you realize and see all the silly and bad habits (that used to be cute but increadibly irritating after that), it is really hard to want or believe that you're married to this person. I really pray that my future husband would make attempts to sustain our marriage life, and I would do so too. You see I'm the kind of girl who needs to be reaffirmed of my love for the person and the person for me. I love it when the guy sweep me off my feet, do silly sweet stuff for me and it really captures my heart when I see the person putting the effort or initiate to do something for me. I feel deeply touched. The guy don't have to shower me with gifts (although it would be nice to recieve once in a while).. simple things do makes me happy; like words of affirmation, remembering special dates, keep aside time for me, a comforting hug and I guess, the guy would have to find what my love language is ler... then it'll be easier for him kua.

• Purity: A partner that keeps me pure, before and after marriage. A guy that knows his limits when we are courting/dating. A guy who initiates the right moves (eg. holding hands) at the right time but not pushing it any further than it should. A guy that respects me as a gal or a women. Not just physical touch, but keeping my heart guarded for God & my future husband (it should be him-la, but what if something happens betw the both of us?). Also, keeping my mind pure.. as in, the things we talk about, shouldn't provoke any unclean thoughts. Last but not least, spiritually building me up as a fine women, wife and mother... women of worth and one that seeks God.

I'm only at number 4. Still thinking of the rest of the 4 more...
Keep in touch for the continuation =)

Can't sleep

It's 3.40am in the morning and I can't sleep. I don't even really feel sleepy or tired.
I've tried sleeping just now but I have so many things in my mind. I was talking to God about what is going on in my life and what has been going on in my friend's lives. Of course, He knows it already, but I feel there is a need to tell Him still. That's how I communicate with Him. After that, it slowly wondered to different things, which I can't remember. I guess, it was going into the unconcious. Random thoughts.

Anywayz, the great thing is, I have to be awake by 8.30am, the latest for leader's meeting and church celebration after that. I have no idea how am I gonna survive that.

Oh.. it's 4.05am already. Ok, now my eyes are feeling a bit heavy.
"Lord, please help me feel sleepy and fall into a deep sleep until 8.30am"

These days, I felt as if there is an angel watching over me and Jesus holding my hand, through the things that have been bothering me. Just a few days ago, I begged and cried for Him, not to leave me and to hold my hand. I don't know who can I hang on to anymore apart from Him. I prayed asking Him to help me not leave Him to 'cuz I know I often run away from His presence, wondering around on my own and getting lost.

When I was thinking while trying to sleep just now, I imagined something wonderful...

"Jesus asking me to dance with Him.. I was a small girl at that time... then, suddenly I've grown older, with this really beautiful dress. I can't remember it's color, was it pink or white. Anyway, I was dancing around my Lord Jesus Christ. I felt like a princess too, I told Him. The thing is, she doesn't look like me, she looks so much prettier, thinner, elegant, poise and all. I wished I had her looks, the way she conducted herself and all. I've imagined myself to be her. But Jesus told me "You don't have to be someone else. You are beautiful just the way you are" - somewhat along that line.

You see, I've always wanted to be prettier, smarter, better, nicer, friendlier and all that, than the state that I am now. I do feel inferior to others because I compare myself to them. But, God is trying to remind me that, I don't have to try so hard. He will allow me to blossom in my own time. I am already beautiful from the time He made me and will indeed mature into a more beautiful girl and it may not be because of my looks or because I was smarter and all that. It is my heart... the heart that is willing to dance with the Lord and follow His rhythm. I am His little princess, if I allow Him, the King to be my Father. Allowing myself to freely dance before Him, expressing my love to Him and flow with Him, ya know. He loves that. He loves to see me dance. He loves it when I dance with Him. I see the smile in Jesus' face.

That reminded me of the song I composed a few years back, entitled...

"Smile on Your face"

You look to me,
With that smile on Your face,
You would draw close each day,
And gently touch my face.

As I reach to You,
You would carry me,
Like a Father,
In Your loving arms

Whispering in my ears,
Saying "I love you my, child"

For everytime, I pray,
I want to see that smile,
As You look upon me.
Each night before I sleep,
I'll always dream that You,
Would twirl me around as we dance,
And I'll see that smile,
That smile on Your face.

Composed & Copyright by Elizabeth Hie.

Worried...

• About my own spiritual life and my brother's.
• My friend's health because she hasn't been taking care of it.
• My friends' romance life (relationships) because it hurts me as well to see them hurt if it fails to work out.
• People around me losing hope.
  
• I'll lose touch with the wonderful peeps I've just met in camp.
• Safety of my neighbourhood, home, family and friends.
• Future career paths.
• Adaptabality to Australian lifestyle & environment
• Subjects for my 3rd year in UniSA.
• Whether UniSA is the right choice!
• Cell member's spiritual growth & the people close to me.
• Friendships with others.
  
• I would not dare to commit into a relationship, therefore, I won't be able to start one.
• I'll be a person, whom I do not want to be!
  
• Addicted to drinking when I go Aussie.
• Allowing my wild side to take control of me.
• Take BGR relationships lightly - treating it as a fling.
• Something stoping God from working in my life.
• I wouldn't get to spend much time with my mum before I leave Aus.

The list just goes on....

"Lord, help me to surrender all these into your hands. Indeed, please grant me peace, as you've granted your disciples when you met them again after your death. These were the words you said to them "Peace be with you". Indeed, I pray for your Holy Spirit to guide me each day in wisdom in the decisions I make and also, I pray that You will guard my heart from the evil one and from falling into temptations. Help me to cast my worries to You, O God. I may not be in control, but You are. Help us to remember that. Praise You O God, for You are still good beyond all the circumstances. You are above all these things. In Jesus Name, Amen"

Want to make a change

Want to make a change in:-

Blog: Anyone know's how to do blog design?

I want my blog to have a soft, light background of the 4 seasons-Summer, Autmum, Winter & Spring. It symbolizes something for me and I have a meaningful song to fit with it as well.

Outlook appearance:

• Hair: For easier maintanence. I've longed to highlight my hair blue or blue-ish red (purple)!
• Clothes: My bestfriend always say that I have bad fashion sense. One day, you bring me shopping and dress me up ler, gal!
• Size/Fitness: Wish I can be taller and thinner. *haha* since I don't think it'll happen (my bro stole the height genes from me!!!) I just wanna keep fit, look just right and be healthy!
• Looks: I'm don't usually put make up when I go out (Only when I dance). I just want to have a fresher and a more confident look with a wide smile to cheer people up. A smile can make a difference in people's lives.

Character:

• Friendliness - I don't know why, I find certain people intimidating. Perhaps, I should draw near to them and get to know them, instead of withdrawing myself from them. So far, those people whom I thought was intimidating, turned out to be a nice bunch of peeps. By doing this, I would probably build up my self-esteem and shyness. Of course, I shall be careful also-ler, not to get into wrong hands.
• Firm-ness - I gotta learn to rebuke in a right manner and also speak my mind out when I disagree, have an opinion or when I know that something should be done but isn't done.
• Leadership - Learn to dare to lead. I've always underestimated myself or take lightly the position I held. So, I've learnt not to play-play with the role and also not underestimating God and what He can do in my life. Of course, I'll always be reminded that leadership starts off my serving. Actually, leadership is servanthood as well, cause we are serving the people and their needs.
• Humbleness - I admit that I do have this ego-centric part of me. Sometimes I can be quite prideful and insensitive to others. I'm so sorry for those whom I've hurt because of my pride. I am the kind of person who tend to compare myself with others. So, I guess, I need to be humble. Afterall, I shouldn't compare myself with human standards, but with God standards.. because, human standards change, but God's standards doesn't change even over time. He sets the standard, He IS the standard.

What else? I guess it's all for now. The thing is whenever I change, people do look at me differntly and somehow they want the old Lizzie back. I just hope that I won't go over-fanatic about changing that I lose the true purpose of why am I doing this in the first place. I hope that I can be a better Lizzie instead of the unrecognized Lizzie (in a negative way).

Taken Away

It seems that the things I loved once, but I didn't appreciate much in the later years, were taken away from me.

1st: My dog, Rufus. I use to have time for him. I put him to sleep at night, as I let him sleep on my lap and pat him to bed. I used to play with him and feed him. Years went by and I as I grew and so my dog, I didn't have much time to even touch or look at my dog. I was often out of the house or lazing in the house. I hardly walk around my backyard, you see. I only see him when I wash my hands in the kitchen, his cage would be right in front. I see him when I come back.. he would greet me at the side of the garden, looking intently at me, but I walked into the house. He stares at me when I play music on my piano, and I just smile back at him. At times, I would pat him, but many times I didn't want to get myself dirty before I went out or when I am in the house bumming around.

2nd: My piano that has been with me since I was 4-5 years old. Now, I found out that they are gonna move the piano out! Well, I haven't been really using that piano since after my SPM. My parents got me this digital piano as a gift for my SPM results. I wasn't the best, but I did my best and my parents was proud of me. I wanted a keyboard, so that I could bring it to Aussie when I further my studies, but my dad wasn't too happy with the sound produced by it.. So, suddenly upgraded to digital piano *hahaha* Yeah.. anyway.. when I started thinking about the piano being sold, I feel a little sad. I mean, it has been with me for more than 10years. It's like part of the family. I loved it, I hated it (the lessons and exams, mainly). I composed songs with it.. I had sweet and bitter memories with it.

3rd: My close friend/(s). Okay, maybe the person is not like taken away.. away kinda thing. I should be thankful and grateful that the person/they are still there. Just feel a lil left out and "you're so near yet so far" kinda thing. It's just kinda sad, just left with the memories I had with the person or them. Worst, I don't know how to make it work as close friends again after that. I've became handicapped, most of the time, lost for words. However, I am still thankful that those people are still around and just... friends.

Sigh... I know that I didn't appreciate the things that God has handed me to take care of or to steward of. It makes me wonder, how am I gonna do BIG things for Him, if I can't even handle the little things for Him? I really do regret but I guess there is a lesson that we all will learn after that... especially when the things precious to us, are taken away from us.

When there was you and me

It's funny when you find yourself looking from outside
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend, that I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
A dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star that's coming true
But everyone else could tell
That I confused my feelingswith the truth
When there was you and me

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled you made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
Once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on the star just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I like the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe I could be so blind
It's like you were floating while I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you...

-Vanessa Ann Hudgens in "High School Musical"-

Breaking Free

I love Disney songs. This is an inspirational song from a new movie "High School Musical".

Breaking Free

We're soaring, flying,
There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
If we trying, so we're breaking free

You know the world can see us
In a way that's different than who we are
Creating space between us till we're seperate hearts

But in faith it gives me strength
Strength to believe

We're breaking free!

CHORUS #1
We're soaring, flyin'
There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
If we're trying, so yeah we're breaking free
Oh, we're breaking free

Can you feel it building
Like a wave the ocean just can't control
Connected by your feelings
ooh, in your very souls

Rising 'til it lifts us up
So everyone can see

We're breaking free!

CHORUS #2
We're soaring, flyin'
There's not a star in heaven that we can reach
If we're trying, yeah, breaking free
Oooh runnin', climbin'
To get that place to be all that we can be
Now's the time we're breaking free
We're breaking free...

More than hope, more than faith
This is true, this is fate
and together we'll see it coming
More than you, more than me
Not a want but a need
Both of us breakin' free

CHORUS #3
Soaring, flyin'
There's not a star in heaven that we can't reach
If we're trying, so we're breaking free
Runnin', climbin',
To get that place to be all that we can be
Now's the time we're breaking free
Oohhh, we're breaking free..

You know the world can see us
In a way that's different than who we are

News on Lizzie's job update...

I felt as if it has been months since I've updated... well, it sorta kinda a month, since I've updated already. I guess is the 'working' feeling inside of me. Seem that everything passed by so fast.. Well, 'cause on weekdays, I do want the mins, hours, days and week to pass by as soon as possible. Now, I do understand the stuggles of work and why people do not seem to enjoy it or seem sooo tired after the long day. Well, I'm still new to it. There would be more struggles and problems if I am working longer, such as politic issues in the office etc, which I haven't experienced yet.

After this coming week, I have 2 weeks left in my workplace, before my contract is over. That was what I thought, a week ago... until my mum told me that I should extend my contract and we did. They agreed, since they needed someone to help out at the administration work. The person doing admin now is going to leave soon. Oh man.. I know nuts about admin work! Have to learn I guess. Should be quite fun. I'll be doing both recruitment and admin work next month. Also, if they need me back at old place to manage the problems of their updated application programes there, I'll be there too. 3 jobs in a month. Cool, rite? It's not confirmed yet ler actually. I was quite excited because I thought I would have a week break before I start working again. That means rest and I am able to hang out with my friends who is coming back from UK & Aus... but since the contract is extended, I only have 1 day leave for the month. It's okay. I'm beginning to get used to the job now.

I wanted to have an exposure in Kindergarten but I don't think that I can learn much from there. I definately can't be a kindy teacher. You'll need to go through some sort of training first, which will take months before you are qualified. Perhaps as caretakers, it won't be a problem. I thought working in hospitals would be good too, but I don't think I can find much jobs of psychologist clinics around M'sia. So, I'll most likely go into Human Resource, hopefully.

Working in my current job now is okay la. I've learnt to look at resumes and understand them, esp some of the IT-terms. Interesting.. sometimes I dream about those terms because I read them too much already. I get to differentiate between different jobs and the experiences they hold, not only the skills they possess. I learnt to mix with working people... though it was pretty hard for me, because most of my colleagues speaks in Mandarin and I do not understand at all. I learnt to call and talk or interview them about their current jobs and skillsets as well as experiences. They are sooo much older than me. The youngest, is about 23 - 24 years old.

It is kinda scary at first, to call strangers and talk to them. Some seem comfortable to talk and converse with me and I make sure that when call them, I would thank them. Also, in my e-mails, I would thank them for their time and end it with "Have a great week".

It is tiring and I have this lazy nature in me but I want to make the best out of my working days because that is what God would want us to do. I learnt to enjoy my work and no need so malu/embarresed to do things like calling people! "Just do it, gal! Won't die one. What is the worst that could happen?" That is what I always tell myself when I don't feel like doing something cuz it's out of my comfort zone or what I'm used to.

So that's my job update.

Recruitment

Remember I mentioned that I was working, doing testing application programme. 1 month has passed, and now I am doing recruitment! No, no.. I wasn't fired... I kinda finished doing my part in the customer's place (BSN) already. So, since I don't have much to do there, they shifted me back to the main office help out in recruitment instead. At first, the thought of doing recruitment really stimulated my mind. I was soooooo excited. You see, next year, I decided that I would specialize in Industrial/Organizational Psychology. So this area of work is sooo much relevant to me, compared to the testing progs work. Don't get me wrong, I like working at BSN as a tester. It was a new experience (IT line), facinating, interesting, routine (I know what to do) , flexiblebut soon I got extremely bored, cuz there weren't much for me to do there after the 3rd week.

Working in the main office doing recruitment now. Oh man, never thought it can be tiring. Tiring not because I needed to run around... Tiring because my job requires me to sit for 8 hours, staring at CVs and resumes and searching for potential candidates that would fit the job requirement. I was asked to interview the person on the phone as well, but I know that I am not ready because I know nuts about IT hardware, softwares; what the job is about or what does the company really do. Even head says it's a bit hard for me but I will have to use my discernment to do so... this involves Pscyhology as well ya know. Well, he can see that I wasn't ready and I was quite reluctant. Perhaps I shall do more research first before I make myself available to help in interviewing people. Just not now yet... *feel sorry though*. I mean, I have to understand what am I offering the candidates before I can talk to them rite? And if I need to get them to be in the company, I need to tell them what is it all about.. am I right?

Yeah.. so many things to learn. I felt so uncomfortable the past few days. Now, getting used to it. Thank God for giving me the peace and patience. Yesterday was terrible for me as I was trying my best to stay awake while reading the CVs. Today was a success, as I bugged God to provide me with strength. Yes, I used the word 'bugged' =P

I pray that i will learn to enjoy my job and step out in boldness in doing the things I'm suppose to do and when the tasks are handed to me. Do keep me in your prayers too ya!

Worship tonight

Worship practice tonight for awesome. It wasn't because we had the whole band or many of us came and worship or practiced together... Guess what? Only 6-7 peeps were there; 1 electirc guitarist, 4 singers (including myself) and band leader, who also handled the PA system for us. It is amazing how we can still worship and praise Him, singing with our hearts out with only the electric guitar. The delimma was that, the keyboard couldn't be used because the main power plug for the keyboard was missing. There wasn't any news from the bassist, couldn't contact the fella. The other guitarist was stuck with work, thanks to his boss and the drummer did come! but after that, decided perhaps we'll just do it with the electric guitar. In other words, many peeps just couldn't make it for the practice though they were in the band. But it's okay.

Perhaps some were disspointed-ler. I know I was a bit when I saw so few ppl.. and was wondering what happened to the rest of the peeps. You see, I have been missing from the ministry as well because of exams and also, I wasn't 'on' to serve that time as my sifu took over and served instead (there wasn't extra keyboards). I wasn't dissapointed or sad or anything like that. Instead, the timing was good because that was during my assignment/projects & exam period. Also, my parents wasn't too happy with my involvement with so many practices and activities. So, I really needed that break to spend time in my studies and with my family. And I did! So, after my exams and now working, I came back again and am glad to be there, serving again, but everyone else seem to be missing. Don't get me wrong, I don't blame them. I'm sure they have their reasons as I had mine the last month.

So, we only had the electric guitar as I mentioned. I had a strong feeling that practice would turn out great, better than what we'll imagined and perhaps even better than having the whole band together tonite. This happened when we were about to pray. What I am going to say next, may sound really bad-ler.. I was supposed to play keyboard but I know that I haven't really practiced for it and when I did practice, it didn't sound good enough.. my playing quality have gone down! Seriously! I wasn't ready or prepared. So, I was slightly relieved that I didn't have to play. Perhaps, even afraid that I would make the whole band suffer because of my playing (if I played). So, went into singing instead.

4 of us singing... 2 gals and 2 guys. Just using the e. guitar and singers, woah, it felt as if the place was a concert or opera house.. without audience but the singing combination was good and our guitarist played really well with his fill ins and his increadible skills. Most importantly, we could worship God freely and we focused on Him. It wasn't just to practice our skills but really to sing our hearts out to God and giving our all/best when we play or sing to Him. I know that His Holy Spirit was with us and when 2 or 3 are gathered in the midst, He will be there. Amen! It was awesome! Not just a worship practice for an upcoming event but singing it with joy, excitement and passion for Him... as if He was really there in the midst of us, as we exalt and giving Him glory. I'm sure He was there, in our hearts as He stirred our spirits-men within us.

It is amazing what God can do just with a guitar and a few singers. This I'm sure, taught us a lesson, that we don't have to have the whole band to worship God. We don't have to have all the instruments to make it perfect. Worship is the condition of the heart and you can worship with out without instruments, with or without others around you. Amen? We can always sing praises to Him even when there is just 2 people or on your own. Do it accapella by all means if you don't have the resources. Just don't give up or break down because of the lack of people or resources. Because our God is a God that can do things that we can't even imagine. He is great and He can make things great and happen. He only needs a vessel. Just one person to start, willing to serve Him and a heart that would follow Him.

I sang with joy in my heart! It has been years since I have that joy and God kept His promise. He granted me the joy when I was in the Baptism and Encounter Weekend. Usually, I'll shy off and would not want to sing in front of people, but this time, I just don't care. I just sing my whole heart out with joy. After that, God reminded me again of the passion and my prayer last time. It is still a mystery to me whether this is where God wants me to start or is this the so called 'new talent', also the promise that He wants to fullfill. I don't know but I'll continue to serve Him anyway, in wherever I am now.. and see where the Lord will lead me. How would I know where He leads me? I really don't know, but I think when the time comes and He really wants me to know, He will make it known to me somehow!

The Prayer

I went out for prayer last weekend celebration, trying to help out in anyway I can. I challenged myself to do so... though I feel small most of the times, whether it's praying for other people (whom I do not know or older than me) or be the catcher when they fall. As a leader in church, it is important that I learn to overcome this fear and not underestimate what God can do in my life. Even a prayer for a kid can be powerful, so there is really no age boundaries on the power of prayer or even mentoring others.

In my heart, I guess I wanted to be prayed for but kinda shy to go ask for it. So, I served la. Pastor suddenly approached me and asked whether I want to be prayed for or have I been prayed for. I told her I was just helping around. Then, I thought, I should just give it a shot ya know. One of my prayer request was to be more bold and couragous; to speak up when I need to and to dare to do things that I should do and asked to do by God. I find that my spirit of timidity isn't going anywhere, so I need to learn to take bolder steps if I want to live out loud for God and as a leader, I can't be timid all the time! I need to lead, guide and be able to edify and rebuke others when it is necessary.

So, Pastor M. did pray for me. I remembered some of the things she said... she told me this is one of the step of boldness... by coming out and asking for prayer. She added many other things, beside the prayer for boldness. She said that she sensed that the Lord was asking me not to rely too much on my gifts/talents (BINGO!) Wow! It spoke to me. Why is that? This is because I realized I have been relying a lot on my talents. Too much perhaps that I neglect Him at times. Also, I realized that I don't really know where am I heading to! I like this.. and that.. and this.. because I am sort-of good in doing it. Therefore, I am serving Him in that area. Perhaps that was what I was doing before. So now, I am really confused on where I should be serving and what is His desire for me to do for Him in the ministry. You see, so many choices can get you confused as well.

It was a prayer that I haven't heard before. A prayer that says that God will give me something new, new talents and it seems quite odd that I seem to have this sense of recognition of what she was saying... it was as if I already knew that He will do so but I don't know what is it (though I heard it for the first time as well). It was an assurance, deep inside of me and all I need to do is depend on Him and stick close to Him. Slowly, I will understand the Father's heart for me and what He desires for me to do in my life. I really pray and hope so!

My ministry in church... Cell Group Leader & Music Ministry. The thing about music ministry is that I used to serve in dance and keyboardist. Used to be a worship leader as well. I even had the desire to be a worship leader. Again, oddly, I have this thing inside of me that reassures me that God remembered my prayer and my desires before. I had so many desires and passions that I used to have that I really don't know which prayer/desires or passions I had before that He will fullfill in my life.

One thing I learn from that prayer is not to rely on my talents but rather the source, the giver and the maker... the person itself who make it all happen. I am still a bit confused and still searching but I am not giving up, neither am I just standing at the sidelines. I am playing the game as I am searching as well, because I know God doesn't want me to just sit and watch my life pass by while waiting for the revelation of what He wants me to do. Rather go out there and search as well as serve in wherever I am now first.

One thing I learnt today is to be faithful with the lil things that God has given me now. If I can take responsibility of these lil things, God will trust me with other bigger ones later on. Step by step, lil by lil.

Also, one part of the prayer that I'll remembered (from last Sat), that in my journey, I won't have be transformed totally into a better person but lil by lil overcoming the fears I have, dealing with issues and weakness in my life. Also, He will be changing me, taking me step-by-step with Him. I thank God for His patience and His accepting me when I have let Him down so many times. He is my ultimate mentor =) I am thankful that I have such a great God by my side who loves me dearly.

Mentoring

My heart desire and my prayer was to be mentored or be in a menotoring group. Also, to mentor someone or a group of gals, to bring them up to be a women after God's heart. I am sure that in the future, I would be mentoring my husband (he will mentor me as well) and my kids, physically, emotionally and spiritually! =)

I am excited to be in this journey. I have been mentoring someone, but I feel as if I haven't done enough because I do not really know how to mentor. I want to do more than what we are doing now. I want to go into a deeper level of transparency and mentoring relationship with the person. I longed to be mentored as well. I guess I was mentored by my parents, my ex-cell leader during secondary years and cell leader in PreU but I feel I needed more than just that... The mentoring that I am seeking for is like, really keeping each other accountable for the things we do, and bringing up each other spiritually, sharing our hearts out, our desires and problems. It need not be one-on-one but maybe a small group of gals, perhaps. I am looking for such mentoring setting, relationship or group.

I don't know where to look for it. Been praying about it for a while and I think it is essential for me and others that I am mentoring and one day will mentor more as well, in the coming days. This is one of my passion and desire. That the mentoring relationship will not be one-way but both ways and also, running together for years! Building the friendship, the closeness with one another and trust among each other.

In the other hand, I am afraid of being mentored because at times, I am afraid that people would see me for who I am underneath the mask and they would view me differently. Perhaps, such sins that they never thought I would have commited. It is scary if you think about it. But I am starting to learn to unmask myself (which is a progress). It also means that I need to leave my comfort zone to deal with the issues of the self (which I know I have to deal with a lot of things in myself and change of character).

I am afraid and yet I know there is a need for it. Mentoring is not to be taken lightly because people learn from you and people look up to ya. Also, you are shaping the person. No wonder, there is a need to pray before mentoring someone or pray about the people who are mentoring ya, because God knows best and knows who are the people that can really build us up in our lives.

So, Lord please help me on my search and journey of mentoring that I will soon discover and let it be centered around you.

Memory loss...

Argh! I seem to be forgetting my schedule ever since i've started working.

For example:-

1) Call someone to do ice-breaker for CG, when I said I will

2) Reconfirm with my friend whether I could meet them

3) Send the sms which I have typed


I'm in a daze >_< what's happening to me?

I think I need to put reminders or depend on a planner book againz *sigh*

Eating habits decreased

Can't eat as much as I used to anymore >_<
My appetite isn't that BIG as used to be...

Sad...

Benefits of working

Healthier life

• Consistent exercise from Mon to Fri, walking from KLCC LRT station to my office place (10 mins walk)
• Eating 3 full meals (usually I'll skip breakfast but I realize I need it now)
• Drink more water
• Sleep earlier
  

Independance

• I know how to use the LRT on my own
• At least I know my way around in KLCC & to my workplace
• More exposed to KL life
• Increases my sense of independance (walking around on my own)

Meet new friends & old ones

• My 'si fu' in workplace will always bring me out makan
• Many of my colleagues are Malay but they are friendly peeps
• Met a lot of my secondary school friends this week, esp in LRT train

Learning experience

• Learn what testing application programme do
• Expand my knowledge and skills (it's IT job if u didn't notice)
  
• Not limiting myself to just "psychology" though I studied that (will go into there)
  
• Though it's kinda repetitive, I am in ease because at least I know how to 'kau dim' the work given to me
• Experience working environment & expand communication skills (hopefully!)
  

There are a few disadvantages too...

• lethargic after work (really really tired. Understand my parents better)
• expensive man the food in KL (this is because I can only turn to KLCC for food!)

Well, that's about it la... the disadvantages so far.
Working life isn't that bad. First day, I felt like an odd ball and wanted to quit edi. Now I'm getting used to it and overcame the complaining spirit in me.

My parents are overall proud of me for taking up the job (though was sudden and I wanted to have a month hols first) and so far, I've survived a week in it. Mum got feedback that I very 'kuai' in work =P I hope so la...

Mum says that if you are open to learning (though it may not be in your field, you can go far in life -somesort along that line-). That's how she got as far as she did now. I respect my mum for her attitude in life =)


"Serve wholeheartedly as if you were serving God, not men" (Ephesians 6:7, NIV)

Updates

Oh man, there were so many things happening and I haven't blogged about it. I am really excited to share about it with ya all.. and also, one day as I reflect and read my posts back, I am reminded of what had happened =)

Well, updates...

1. Didn't do so well in exam. 2 out of 4 papers were not that good. For the first time, I 'tembak'/ randomly picked answers for my MCQ questions like crazy 'cuz I was in a rush. It was terrible and I know I didn't put in the amount of effort I should have in my studies.
2. Went for "Psycho Camp" (Psychology Camp la). Theme was "Life is Beautiful". I really enjoyed myself and had a changed perspective about my life. I really learnt a lot from the camp and I met some amazing people (my juniors, am proud of them) and grew closer to one of my school mates =) It was a 4 day, 3 nites camp.
3. I went for Baptism and Membership Encounter Weekend (BMEW) and I really did encounter the Lord there. I learnt a whole new perspective about my Father in Heaven and really it has been so great being there. Opened up my heart to Him, envisioned me together with Him.. it's amazing.. how He took me in and accepted me, though I ran away so many times from Him. The story of the Prodigal Son, Though I was really tired and had backaches from the previous camp, Spirit of God really kept me awake for all the sessions there. Also, pastor did a great job preaching. I personally like his style of teaching.
4. Just started work. It was o-kay la. I won't say I really love it, but could handle la. Quite tiring though. Takes about an hour to travel there and back. It'll be for 2 months.. means 40 more days, minus today and 2 days of leave. Am thankful that I got a job. Just didn't think it would be this early. Still very confused with what I'm suppose to do. Don't quite understand much about the job I'm doing. If you all were wondering, I am doing testing on application programme.

That's the update for today. Selamat Malam and take care! ^_^